The Quiet Place Inside My Head

1. Why Am I Here?

Today is the day. Today is the day I go to court for the murder of my ex. When I woke up this morning, it took me a while to move. While I was laying there, my mind was racing. I wondered, why am I here? How did I get here? What's going to happen to me? I was jolted out of my thoughts when my grandmother pushed my door open.

"Don't you think you need to be getting your ass up Naila?" my granny said.

In my head I rolled my eyes and gave her the bird but on the outside, I just nodded my head and walked out of the room I shared with my mother. Under her breath, my granny whispered "fucking convict" but all I did was swallow the ball in my throat and close the bathroom door. Behind the creaky and locked door, I silently cried. I never thought I would be in this situation. I knew my reason for my actions....no one even knows the half, but I never thought I'd be going to trial. I was startled out of my thoughts by a bang on the door.

"Can you hurry up in there? I have to use it!" My 15 year old brother, Carson, stated.

I laughed to myself and quickly wiped my face because I knew he just wanted to come in and talk my head off. He's the only person in this house that understands me and doesn't make me feel like less than a human.

"It's about time, damn!" He says. I laugh and punch him in the shoulder as I close the door, because he knows if he gets caught cussing, it won't be anything nice.

"Shut up, you know granny crazy ass can hear us! She's probably outside the door listening now" I said.

Carson slowly cracks the door open and is instantly met with our grandmothers hazel, cat shaped eye. He instantly slams the door closed and we both burst out laughing.

"I told your black ass and of course you just don't listen" I told him while giggling.

"Whatever bro. You know why I'm here. Are you nervous? Do you think you'll go to jail forever? Oh my god what if you become somebody's bi-" He stops talking when I cover his filthy mouth.

"Carson please. Wouldn't you be nervous if you were me? My heart has been beating a mile a minute since your crazy ass grandma beat the door down!" I expressed with tears in my eyes.

"Yeah I guess you're right but don't worry. Don't cry. You know little big bro will hold it down! POP!" He stated while acting blind like the woman from the viral video.

That brought a smile to my face. He always knew the right things to say when I was upset or going through it. But nothing he said would erase the nervousness of my going in front of Judge Alexander today.

I sighed as I dressed myself in a simple black skirt and shirt. I stayed stealing my moms shoes, so I borrowed a pair of her flats that she probably wouldn't even notice were missing. I walked out of the room to head to the kitchen when I saw my grandma half ass sneaking a cigarette after I heard her tell my grandpa she was going to water her plants. In November? Come on now sis. I rushed outside to let her know she was caught.

"You know you're not supposed to smoke those. It's only been a year since you've been cancer free, what is your issue?" I said loudly.

She jumped when she heard me talk and dropped the cigarette onto her already dead marigolds.

"Don't tell your grandfather, he'll make fun of me for the rest of his life. Although that isn't very long, he is old as dirt" she joked nervously. They have been married for 40 years but it feels so much longer.

I rolled my eyes at her stale joke and as dryly as I could muster I told her sure.

"I'll keep your secret, on one condition" I replied.

"What is it? Don't be drastic Nariah" she bantered, calling me by my middle name.

"Stop smoking. Stop now before it kills you and pay my attorney fees and I'll keep all the secrets you want" I swiftly replied back.

"$600? That's it? Deal!" She laughed. I gave her the eye because she is slow, but she isn't hard of hearing.

"Fine I'll stop smoking cigarettes. But a little reefer won't hurt me right?"

"Amateur. Who the hell says reefer?" I mumbled under by breath.

We shook hands on it, but she didn't remember I've had 3 attorneys to lower my sentence and get a plea deal. Oh well, she has a great retirement plan.

I could hear my mom when she pulled up to the house and I ran back in to see her. Standing at 5'4, 230 pounds, beautiful clear skin and hazel eyes, my mother leaned against the doorframe with her ankles crossed. She winked at me and went back to listening to my brothers latest rant.

"Hey pooch, ready to go?" She asked me. I shook my head no nervously, but then hesitantly said yes. The look she gave me told me not to be nervous and it calmed me instantly.

"My crew, if you're coming with me let's roll out!" She stated, just like any other black mom would in a grocery store.

I called shotgun and got in the front seat, put on my seatbelt and looked out the window. As we pulled away from my home, I wondered if it'll be my last time seeing it.

"I pray I get to see daylight again. I pray someone hears my plea for help. I know it's hard, but God has me right?" I said aloud. The car was silent so I was left with my long thoughts inside the quiet place inside my head. Little did I know, this would be the car ride that would change everything.