The YouTuber (bxb)

the talk

"Do you mind if I sit? I'm beat" James smiled at a confused Brandon and sat down on the couch. Brandon immediately took his seat next to the boy, his right hand travelling around James' shoulders without a second thought. He placed a kiss on James' forehead and heard him sigh.
"Is something wrong?" Brandon asked quite apprehensive of what he might hear.
"There are things that you need to know about me and obviously things I need to know about you" James turned his body and stared right at Brandon.
"Umm" Brandon felt suddenly sick in the stomach "I guess you are right" he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. He really didn't want to talk about his father but what he learned these last few days not talking about it was making things worst with James.
"I feel like I need to apologise to you again" Brandon said with a sad smile "this was all my fault" he made a general gesture "last time we were together and my phone rung.." he gulped, James watching him intently "it was my father" he said in one breath and looked at James "we are not really speaking and his call was kind of a shock" he finished and run his hand over his face tiredly. James stayed silent, waiting for him to go on.
"I shouldn't have snapped at you..  it is just that I haven't seen him since I was 17. It's been 10 years" he said surprised at how much time had passed. He stared absentmindedly at the floor his right hand running circles on James' shoulder.
"What happened between the two of you?" James' voice startled him and he stared at his face. His boy looked worried and sad. Brandon made an attempt to smile, the mood was too heavy for him.
"The usual" he said quickly, still trying to smile "boy realises he is gay, father finds out, boy gets kicked out" he made it sound so normal, so distant from him while his heart beat faster and faster at the ugly memories.
"He didn't!" James' shocked expression made Brandon laugh coldly.
"Oh he did. He wasn't happy I dumped my cheerleader girlfriend. I had the guts to let him know I was gay and that he couldn't do anything about it. But he really did, didn't he?" He rubbed his neck nervously "I wasn't always this strong" he said bitterly, the smile on his face gone "he beat the shit out of me" he heard James gasp "he was ex-military, disobedience was not accepted in his house"
"What about your mum?" James voice came shakingly
"Died when I was born" Brandon said sadly "never met her. Her mum raised me while father was abroad, but she died when I turned 15"
"I'm sorry for your loss my love" James eyes filled with tears.
"Don't cry" Brandon enveloped him in a hug "it's okay. I'm okay. It's been so long"
"He hurt you" James sobbed
"I shouldn't have yelled at you the other day" Brandon leaned back rubbing his face, his smirk laced with pain "the bastard keeps ruining my life"
"What...what happened after you told him and he.. he" James couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, how a parent who was supposed to love his child could inflict pain on him.
"I dated some girls after that, just to make him happy. I tried. I really did" Brandon said pained "but then a new guy had transferred to the school, he was gay. He was a girly gay. And I just couldn't pretend anymore. That person attracted me. Then one day when i thought he was away, I brought the guy home and had sex with a man for the first time in my life and I was wondering why the hell I hide this, why should I be ashamed of it" Brandon stared at the floor, a pained expression on his face "but I should have known better, he had come back just in time to find me and the guy in bed. He threw the other boy out and beat the shit out of me once again. Then he said he had no son any more and threw my stuff out. I slept in a bench that night until I found the courage to tell my friends what had happened. Then Nate's dad took me in and he had been a better father to me than he ever was" he chocked on the last bit. He looked away so James wouldn't see his face.
"That's so cool of him, to help you like that" James big smile and watery eyes made Brandon's chest ache. After minutes of silence James asked curiously.
"Was this the first time he ever called?"
Brandon chuckled bitterly "I wish" he looked at James "he has a habit of popping in my life every couple of years and messing it up" he sighed and rubbed his face again with his free hand "the first few times I was dumb enough to think he was going to accept me, think that maybe he had missed me but it was never the case. He would give me hope and then ask if I was still fooling around then he would proceed to humiliate me and yell at me how pathetic, sick and undeserving I was. I just stopped taking his calls after a while" he finally said.
"But his calls still bother you" James said as a matter of fact.
"They do and hearing his voice so suddenly the other day just brought everything back. I'm really sorry James for yelling at you" Brandon said once again truthfully.
"I understand now" James leaned and kissed him softly on the lips.
"You are too good" Brandon said
"I'm really not" James chuckled.
"Yes, you are so understanding, so patient with me. You are amazing" Brandon insisted.
"Well other people have been like that for me so I'm just offering the same courtesy to you and hope that you do the same to me" he looked anxiously at Brandon who looked curiously at his boy.
"Of course, I'm new at this but I want to try James" he said honestly "I want a real relationship and if talking about this stuff brings us closer then it is what it is" Brandon tried to smile "I won't try to hide anything from you anymore" and with that James beamed him a smile eyes still watery. "I think it's your turn now" He urged the boy next to him, making him blush.
"I'm yes.. well...um..as you have seen my family is a bit overprotective over me" James chuckled
"I noticed" Brandon smirked, his brow raised
"Well they mean well, and it's really my fault they have the need to be so.. protective" Brandon felt that sick feeling again, the feeling he was about to hear something bad "I am a very open gay, always have been, I mean I can't hide all of this" he said laughing and posing for Brandon who laughed too. Brandon run his hand over James's thigh possessively.
"But there were certain people who didn't like me expressing who I really was. Other students in my school, parents too. There was this guy, he was a sports guy, big, mean he used to bully me all the time" Brandon's anger rised, his temple throbbed at that.
"The pressure was too much, the bullying from him and his friends was so unbearable and my parents had no idea. Then some parents asked from the school to expel me for causing problems. I was just trying to exist and that was causing problems apparently I was a distraction" Brandon saw red and tried to relax his hold on James' thigh, he said nothing afraid he would yell for hours "I.. I did something stupid then" James looked embarrassed "I cut myself" Brandon stiffened and growled
"What?" He managed hoarsely not wanting to believe it.
"I cut myself" James repeated in a low voice looking at the floor.
"Baby" Brandon tried to say
"but it was so deep that I almost bled to death" James went on not wanting to loose his courage making Brandon gape shocked at him "my dad found me in time and took me to the hospital. Then I started therapy, but the bullying didn't really stop. After my..incident.. dad went to the school and then got into a fight with my bully's dad"
"Good" Brandon growled, feeling better someone had defended James.
"After two years I took a big dose of aspirin pills and tried to end it" James shot unexpectedly, shocked by his own words, he immediately stood up and away from Brandon "I now that was a coward's move, I know it. I just couldn't take it any more. I was a coward" he burried his face in his hands and started sobbing. He felt Brandon hugging him and kissing the top of his head.
"You were not a coward. You were a scared boy" Brandon's voice was shaky, tears falling from his eyes. He wanted to tell him how glad he was he hadn't died, but he simply kissed him. They cried a lot, just the two of them hugging each other and when James sobs subsided a little Brandon let them in front of the fireplace. He then proceeded to light it and they sat next to each other, sides firmly touching watching the flames dance.
"That's why my parents are always so worried about me" James broke the silence after a while, his voice hoarse from crying. "They are afraid of a repeat"
Brandon sighed deeply from his nose "that's why Jonathan stays with you"
"He really shouldn't, he is in his last year of school, he can't miss school any longer. I've been trying to prove to my parents that they shouldn't be scared for me. I'm never going to attempt such a thing again. No matter how sad I am no matter how badly things go I want to live" James said proudly "I don't want them to be scared for the rest of my life"
"They love you" Brandon said
"They do, and I love them too" James smiled at him, making Brandon's chest unclench a little from the death grasp he felt.
"All our fighting..it could trigger you?" Brandon suddenly realized horror struck.
"Brandon no" James groaned sadly "I would never try to hurt myself. Period. And you being afraid if I snap if we end up having a fight is not healthy. I'm capable of having a normal relationship, thank you very much. And as much as I love you Brandon I wouldn't kill myself if we ever fight or break up" James said as a matter of fact and made Brandon smiled at his determination.
"Good" Brandon said "because I can't promise you anything about not fighting again.. make up sex was too good"
James giggled and pushed Brandon playfully "and what about breaking up?" He asked trying to act uncaring
"I'm not letting you go anytime soon, baby. You are stuck with me now James" Brandon smirked and his eyes predatory like looked at James up and down. He licked his lips and with a swift move landed on top of a startled James.