Going off to college (The Experience I Never Got To Have)
By Lu Garofalo
When I saw all of my brothers going away things in the backroom. They were all put together. It made me feel sad because I never got to have that experience of moving out of the house. I said to myself "Wow they never did any if this for me". I know sometimes I can be alittle bit selfish because my emotions can get in the way. I said "How can all of this shit be for Hadley, a new bedspread, a new refrigerator, a knew everything." I knew I should have been happy for him to have better experiences then I'm going to have. The question I always ask myself is "Damn It, Kellun why do your emotions always have to take over in situations like these" Jeez I wish I could answer that questions. But the thing is I haven't yet come to a conclusion or an answer on how to solve this problem yet. I'm working towards it. And maybe the only answer to that question is I'm just a very sensitive person.
When I ran upstairs I had thought of cutting myself with something sharp that was up in my room. I was thinking about searching for something. I was thinking of searching for something like an iPod charger. I was sobbing when i was having those feelings and thoughts. But i decided not to cut I just decided to punch my pillow instead. I was so sad and angry at that point, I punched my pillow as hard as I possibly could.
Once I calmed down I decided to write down my feelings. I decided to write down what I was feeling and why i was feeling that way. Then I made a list of everything that was upsetting me. As soon as I made that list I knew that it would be a great story. Writing alot of the times helps me deal with my stress and anxiety when I get upset. What was upsetting me the most is all the change that was occurring in my life at that moment. I am personally awful with dealing with anything that has to do with change in my life.
(Flashback scene)
POV 18 year old Kellun
I do have to admit I was 18 and I didn't quite know where my journey was going to take me in life. I was quite indecisive, that's all I knew is I wanted to go to college and get an education. I didn't know what degree program I wanted to major in, so that was my first problem. I probably had so many different options of jobs that I wanted to be when I grow up it is amazing. I said to myself "I want to be a photographer, a writer, an actress, a singer (even though i couldn't even really sing). I just knew one thing that I didn;t want to be was a teacher. I would always say to myself "I don't want to be a teacher like my parents, I want to do something better then them." Even though some of the things I want to be wen I graduated probably weren't possible. Until I either moved somewhere else, published my writing or become skinner to be an actress. Even though I knew I was never going to travel. I was never going to become skinny because I liked my weight just as is.
The reason i went to college in the first place was because I knew thats where you had to go to find a descent or a great job in this world. So that is why i even went to college in the first place. And i knew that if i didn't go right out of highschool it would be even harder for me. So i ended up going.
The only reason i didnt want to go to college was because i dreaded the placement test. When ever I would think of that sweat would pour out of my pores just from the worry of not passing. I tried holding off the placement test as much as possible. There were diffently some sections i just knew i wouldn't do good on like the math and the reading comphrension. But what i didnt know is that even if you didn't do well at certai subejcts you still got in. But the subject i knew i would excell at was English cause i knew i was good at it.
I am so upset seeing everything that my parents bought Hadley for College. they never bought me anything EXCEPT for a lap top (to set the record straight it's not mine it's the families) and my books. I never got the experiences of going away and i want it. to be honest i'm sort of sick and tired of living at home :(. the pace of life is getting boring and old and i'm to exciting of a person for this kind of life. My mom always said to me "I will know when i'm ready to be independent and move out". But is that true, cause i think she is just telling me that to please my boat. I just don't understand how my brother gets to do everything that he wants like go to the college that he wants and it's because he's so intelligent and i'm not. I never wanted to go to Onondaga Community College, it's just I really had no choice, my parents never really gave me a choice of it. But when Hadley said "He wanted to go to Nazareth they never said no they just worried about being able to afford the tuition. But maybe it just feels like i never got to have a choice about where i went, maybe that's not true or maybe it is, I don't know. Sorry I'm ranting and I'm realizing it, I tell people my feelings when I'm upset.
