Unspoken Feelings

Chapter 4 - I am Wrong, Again!

I thought being in school is like a relief. I got friends, I can interact without being afraid of making mistakes or get beaten up. Until I know, there are toxic people out there. Remember my friend or well, best friend? Nelly? Yeah she's an only child, like me. Yet she's raised so differently. She got everything she wants and if she didn't..  temper tantrum. Yeap.

This one time she played with my hair. But I was afraid.. of coyrse the first question that would pop out in your mind is: why am I afraid? Well, my mom did my hair and if it got messy when I went home.... I'm fucked. That's why I said to her "Nelly, no. I don't like it when someone plays with my hair. It's kinda annoying."

GUESS WHAT HAPPEN
(literally guys, I'm asking you to guess and make comments coz like I got reads but you guys didn't comment at all... well idk I guess it's okay too if u guys didn't comment 😂😅)

Well.. she punched me on the jaw. Shocking? No? I guess it is shocking for me, but my reaction is silence. No tears. Coz if it's just one time, it's nothing compared to what I'm used to. Yet it still hurts. How a friend and in a place I thought I was safe.. there is no safe place. There is no safe place. There is no safe place.

That, is the first lesson. 

Apart from that, I have tons of crushes in school 😂 literally at least one every year. I remember this particular boy named Ferdi. He's like sooo sweet and yeah, of course he is good looking. Well, he is a bit of a dick though, a trouble maker. I don't know why but I'm just.. really attracted to him. We're in the same class and the same outside course. We played together and actually almost *whisper* kiss. I KNOW I'M TOO YOUNG. I was like 5 years old. But then I wished he was my first kiss... Nevermind that haha. There is this another boy called Alex. To be honest, he's more like a friend than Nelly. He's very kind and older (only by one year). 

He likes to ride his bike to my house and then we will play together. Either it's outside or inside my house. What a shame I lose contact with him. He's the closest thing to a brother for me. He's actually the first person to teach me to cheat in test (oops, I'm sorry mom). But then I am glad I had him in my childhood. At least I know that there are people out there that is always trying to genuinely help others and there is this kind of acceptance that when I did something wrong, he wouldn't beat me up. Upset, yes. I got a pretty long speech, yes. But no physical punishment.

So there I am, a little girl that's not socially awkward (even tho I'm a little quiet and shy), smart, sweet, all goody goody, afraid of her parents, and a square. 

I think there are a lot of people that used that term. A "square". I won't be caught doing something wrong, I won't break the rules. I am that kind of child with zero problem.. well at school. Sometimes I wonder if the teachers ever realize that I have problems at home. My parents are sweet. They are well mannered and active and almost everyone knows them. But it was just one side. I wonder if someone ever realize how I cowered under their glare and how I stiffen when they're present. 

And this is the second lesson: nobody can be judged by what they looked like. Even when you know them personally, there are still possible things that a person could do. Weird and unimaginable things. Nobody could ever fully understand a person.