"I'm sick."
Thats the first thing you hear him say. Then he goes into a fit of coughing, and you're by his side in seconds. Making sure he's comfortable enough and is taking all the right medicines. Everything he would need. In a weeks time, he hasn't improved. He seemed to be well aware of this fact, and even had a certain acceptant air about him. Like he knew this was going to happen. So you craddle your head in your hands while the hospital takes him into urgent care. You curse yourself when he's asleep from all of the drugs they had hooked him up to, you want to scream when his heart moniter is just a bit to slow. You wanted to do everything but accept it.
Kankri was always ranting. Day and night, making sure not to miss one little detail of whatever he wanted to get out there into the world. It was a beautiful thing to watch. Not to listen. So you didn't. Not one word. You didn't listen to him at all and maybe just maybe, he had warned you about this. But you were to busy watching his lips move, and drinking in the hum of his voice to care what the sounds formed into. You didn't know. After all, you never listened. But he's so weak, he can barely keep his voice up when he gives you a smile and a reassuring pep talk on how you will be okay. He never once mentions his own health.
You make an extra effort to start listening to whatever your petite lover had to say. But you wish he wouldn't have been so blunt. Because the second thing you truly hear him say, stabs you. Tears you apart puts you back together again and covers it with a band-aid and some scotch tape.
"I'm dying."
He whispers, fingers closing around your hand and he's still smiling somehow. He's not worried about himself. He's worried about you. You wonder how in the world he can do it. Just keep smiling at you and telling you that you'll be fine. Thats when it hits you. You can't take it back, because its already out of your mouth. You find yourself asking the most obviously answered question.
"Are you scared?"
Kankri pauses and closes his eyes with a hum. He opens his eyes and they look a bit watery, weakly he holds your hand in both of his and looks you in your own watery eyes.
"No." Is his reply. You want to call the bluff. Tell him it's a lie, and that he is so very scared, and you can tell. But you don't. Because you can see and you know he isn't. He's telling the truth. He was ready for death.The doctors let you stay well past visiting hours. You only leave for 10 minutes a day. 3 for a shower, and the rest to get him flowers and fudge. Peanutbutter Chocolate. Kankri's favorite. He thanks you, and you ask him why.
Because he's said it before. To many times. It wasn't just about fudge and flowers anymore. He responds with a hum and kisses your knuckles.
"I'll tell you one day."
One day turned out not to be very far away, because he's dying quickly, and he's seconds from plunging into the unknown. Leaving you to pick up the pieces and find out what the hell they're made for. You haven't stopped listening. You wish you had from the beginning because from then to now just wasn't enough time to memorize the tune and sway of his tone. The brisk meaning to his speeches, and the love in his eyes. Kankri is pale, oh so pale when you take his hand for the very last time. You can feel the heart beat through his skin.
"Cronus...Thank you for loving me. Thank you, thank you for listening. I love you."
You can't stop the tears, they flow freely down your face and you can do nothing but feal like a liar and a disgrace. He loved you so much, and you never listened to a word that came out of his mouth. But you'll always remember, when you started listening. You'll always remember what you did hear.
"Love you too Kanks..."
And with that, the line fell flat on his monitor and the heartbeat through the hand you were holding stopped thumping. Theres a smile on his face.
He was always smiling....Just for you.
