LOVE WITHOUT SLEEP

THE CHAPTER 12

I looked at George before ringing the doorbell, wondering if he remembered at all...the first time he'd met my mother. Their new home was rather large, with trees towering over the front. I hoped and prayed he didn't, somehow just the thought alone made me feel embarrassed as if it were fresh and just happened yesterday. He looked at me, from that I knew he could sense my hesitation and nervousness. I closed my eyes, sighing.

"Jude, what's going on with you?" He asked, "we've been standing here for five minutes, and you've yet to ring the doorbell, and won't let me ring it..." he laughed slightly, easing up the moment.

I shook my head, "I think I've made a mistake, coming here...maybe we should go." I didn't have the guts. I felt like I was suffocating in my own worry and despair. I couldn't breathe, I was dying...internally. My age and new distance couldn't make it okay, and neither could George.

"What?" He followed me as I headed back to his car, opening the passenger door and sitting down, covering my face and trying to regain my strength to go on with my day.

He got in on the driver's side, shutting the door and looking at me, "Jude..." I could feel his eyes...and tell from his tone that he didn't quite know what to say to me. I didn't know what to do to fill the awkward silence between his words and the moment I'd look at him for further more.

"I know..." he hesitated, "I know it must be difficult...because..."

I watched him struggle for the right thing to say as he looked around in every direction as if to see them pop up in mid air to his rescue.

"Because like, what they did to you...I dunno what they did to you but...you know, like...you told me..."

"George, it's okay." I said quietly. He nodded, looking at me carefully and studying every bit of my emotion which I no longer had control of. He leaned in close, kissing my lips softly.

I turned my head away, "George..."

"Right...I'm sorry...that was stupid. It's not the time..." He shook his head, looking down at his lap. The following silence made me feel awful.

"It's alright." I finally spoke again to fill it.

"I don't think running from them forever is gonna make anything better, after all, they did ask you to visit...maybe they want you there-"

"They didn't ask me to. My mother did...and not even as if she really wanted me to." I said, following George's eyes and turning around to see my mother opening the door.

My heart raced rapidly, I turned back to George quickly, "drive, go." I said.

"But your mum-"

"Go!" I urged.

"Just go talk to her." He said.

"Judith is that you?" I could her her from where she stood, her hair still as long as I remembered, and golden like the sun. As a child I called her Rapunzel for it...it was my favorite thing about her.

"Do you mind waiting here, instead of coming inside?" I asked him.

"Why?" He asked, in a way that made me feel guilty. It didn't make sense, why did I feel guilty? He wasn't my boyfriend, we weren't dating...if I had anything to hide, it should have been okay...right?

"I just...I'm gonna be quick, that's all." I said, getting out and closing the door behind me. I'd become almost fantastic at lying to him. It was sad, and made me hate who I was as a person even more. I didn't want him to see the alcohol sitting on the tables, or the smell the scent of their daily cigarettes against the furniture.