i finally did it. i pulled myself up to make myself look 'cuter' 'sexier' 'prettier' but most off all i pulled myself up to look wanted. so i brushed my hair several times, i did not stop even though several tears were rolling down my face. i straightened my fringe and pinned it in place of my gigantic forehead. then i started with my makeup.
as i started i replayed how i was going to take photos. what i was going to wear. how to i look good enough for him. i made sure that no shadow was unblended, no clumpy mascara and no crusty lips. i made sure there was not one hair out of place and i got my phone out. i plugged in my led lights and took about. a million photos from a million angles. i just want to look good enough.
not even 5 minuted later i received many messages saying how beautiful i am. im not complaining. i just dont understand.
i cake my face, i look fake and im beautiful? when i dont i look ugly? when i dont sort out my FACE my BODY looks FAT??
it just really makes me think. should i carry on making my face caked everyday for other people to call me beautiful and i feel ugly or should i be all natural for oters to think im ugly but i think im beautiful.
as im typing this with all my makeup powered on i just feel so tired. mentally gone. mentally drained. i feel so fake. even my 'glowing smile' is all fake.
i am not happy within myself.
with makeup or without ill never be happy with my face.
my giant pores
my uneven brows
my crusty lips
my gigantic forehead
i hate the way i look
so do you
youre just so caught up in the fantasty of me with makeup that you dont remember me without it.
so thank you for all of the lovely compliments but that will not change how shitty i feel inside x
