Everyone is cheap. Everyone lets me down. No one can be trusted. Nobody gives a shit. No one understands. Everyone's world revolves around themselves. Can you blame them? Human nature baby. I love it, when my mood starts to switch up and I start leaning on people, just to get hurt or crushed or let down. It's awesome. I wish I could remember how fucking shallow everyone will always be, so I can stop investing time into nothing. Nobody cares, and I shouldn't expect them to.
Too bad I hate life and myself enough to care about myself as much as everyone else does. Nobody will ever be able to fulfill me anyway. Even if someone was to try, I wouldn't even know what I wanted from someone. I just hate life sometimes, and wish I could just have financial freedom to do as I please. Or my dreams in life blew up and I could work on actual passions, instead of working a shitty 9-5, like the slave of a system I am. Or maybe one of these days I can cut into one of my veins and pass out and bleed to death, or crash my car again but this time succeed in killing myself instead of just throwing myself into endless debt.
What is it I am looking for in life? I don't understand. I don't enjoy being happy, I will never trust people... Seems like nowadays I just want to be as depressed as humanly possible. Maybe my mom will tell me how much I'm worthless and that I don't deserve to live and it can finally push me to just killing myself, because that's the only future I can realistically depend on.
God forbid I tell someone in my life how I truly feel. It would just be selfish as fuck anyway. I don't want sympathy, or help. I can get the standard pep talk about how great life is, and how they are always there for me ha. Bullshit... It would just be me testing out how long before I push them away. No... What I want is to continually drag my soul in the fucking dirt. My own little war, nobody else needs to get involved, than eventually I can push myself to leaving this boring life. I've already accepted the fact that I am selfish, lazy, and unable to sustain an independent life anymore. I am a failure waiting my own death. I blame myself more than the world around me.
