I used to live here, for as long as I could remember.. Visiting this place again did nothing but reminding me of days i fought to forget..
I can't remember when was the day I begin to realize what I want, what i need.. And most importantly, who I am...
From the beginning of the time I can remember, there were choices.. Either to stay in the house, or survive, as I was imagining that surviving is getting married and leave with someone else! Hoping that someone could be way better than any life inside this house..
The choices I've made while thinking that's better for me, and that's exactly what I need, without realizing that someday I'll wake up wanting more..
More needs, more desires, more hopes, and perhaps, wrong choices to make ...
The day I walked my feet out of the house, things begin to change...
Everything was fine except my new life with that someone...
As I begin my new life.. I was extremely happy and satisfied with my someone.. Whatever he was say I was a believer.. I believed even his lies and promises.. I trusted him blindly...
In fact.. I faced everyone trying to say anything about him.. He was like a goddess to me..
The perfect illusion .. The dream I've always prayed for.. The magic that is too good to be true...
I loved every moment of my time, I couldn't make any choice unless he says yes, I was so confident about my self.. For the first time I realized what is love.. And how to be loved ...
Until that shadowy day came with all its sadness .. Came to surprise me with a chocking fact about reality.. A slap on my face to wake me up from the little life I called a Dream !
That day,, was the memory of my broken heart.. was the evidence of my stupidity.. Of how much I was blind ...
Days coming after and I realized that I must punish my self, I was full of hate and anger, I hated him to the point that I want my revenge.. But no revenge is better than making him to feel the same way ..
I will never forget how many nights he makes me cry over his stupid needs.. for how many times he said that I don't deserve anything.. for how much he love to punish me and treat me like a slave.. and I'm just a big shame .. a big mistake that shouldn't be loved or be respected...
Every day pass, I wished I would have left him when I had a chance.. I think it would be much better than these feelings.. No matter how much I tried to forget or go over it.. These feelings of the past keep haunting me like a craving ghost..
Day after day, I begin to lose my self confident, I can't believe anyone, even him and my self,, I feel that someday , things will get worse and he will kill me .. because to him I don't deserve a shit !
I'm losing my self everyday trying to hide my feelings and my thoughts,, I live in deep dark fears, and no way he would understand and give his hand to take me out of this darkness.. he enjoyed watching me drown, and he's the only one who can help me.
I hated everything , I hated my self , I really don't know who I am any more.. he isolated me from everything and everyone..
I want my life back,, but it seems to be unreachable...
Remembering my days did nothing but make me worse. A lost soul dying slowly.. drowning alone with her own thoughts and shameful memory..
I really forgot how is it to feel happy, to laugh hard without thinking, to be peaceful, I'm lying to my self and laugh out loud to hide my wounded heart .. To hide my anger and feelings..
Sailing to nowhere and hoping that nowhere could be finally a where...
