let me bleed ☆ lil peep

two

"can i get, uh, three mcchickens, large fries, an oreo mcflurry. oh! and a large coke please." i ordered, studying entire menu over and over, "what do you want, gus?"

"just order the whole damn menu," gus smiled, his eyes closing even more then they already were, "i just want a big mac."

"you sure? i'm paying."

"that's all."

i turned back to the cashier, "yeah and lemme get a large big mac combo with a chocolate shake."

the lady glared at both of us, "that'll be $18.89."

she could glare all she wanted to. acting like i gave a fuck what she thought.

"you busting out for me?" peep questioned, genuinely surprised.

"for you, i'll bus out any day,"

"i fucking love you, and that ain't even the drugs talkin" he beamed, clearly letting the drugs do the taking for him.

so damn cute. there was so much to admire now that i could actually see him.

"your hairrr."

"what about it?" gus smiled.

"it's the coolest, ever. do you consent to a photo?"

gus bursted out laughing, "of course. how fucked up are you right now?"

as soon as he asked, the waves in my brain started to intensify. i could tell that without this picture, i wouldn't be able to remember this night or this man tomorrow.

"i'm not fucked up, just at ease."

"i feel that," he nodded, but looked at me with worried eyes.

"gus, why are men so...i don't know...so terrible?"

"hey, not all of us are. this dude, the one that just called, he ain't shit. but i promise you we not all like that."

yeah, that's what all men promised before they did terrible stuff and eventually proved me right. and what? was i just supposed to deal with that bullshit my whole life? not today.

"all i wanted was for him to leave my ass if he didn't love me no more, he ain't have to cheat," i sighed, picking up my cracked, barely-functioning phone.

adrian was gone hear me today,
"adrian, i really don't know why you did me like that. i always told you it was your happiness over mine; i couldn't make you happy no more i understand that. can't do none about it."

"lemme come clean right now," i mocked him, laughing as i tried to push down the fat ass lump in my throat, "i seen this shit coming, i been tryna distance myself. i still love you, don't worry though i'll forget you eventually. you were mostly good to me, i hope life is good to you too."

fuck. i could feel my eyes welling up. stop it, lyla, stop. crying was just not an option. i was a master in the art of holding back tears.

when i met gus' eyes again, he was frowning.

"that's not how you do it," he grabbed my phone, "you ain't shit, adrian. fuck you n your new bitch, stay away."

gus was on another level of supportive.

i needed another blunt. not want, i needed it. this time, i was the one leaning on gus as we walked out.

"i just wanna lay here in the parking lot and sleeep," i joked, leaning back and loosing my balance.

i tried keeping my eyes open, i really did. the concrete floor was oddly comfortable, though. when i opened them, everything was a blur.

"where's your place at?" he must've repeated himself or did i hear the same thing twice?

"how you gonna get home, you lookin hella drowsy."

"i can walk. look gus, you wanna see how good i am at walking? i can do a cartwheel."

peep nodded, "yeah, ok. i'd feel more comfortable if you came back to my place. it's really late."

feelin tired: physically, mentally and in every other way, i debated whether walking all the way home or going to his place would be safer. half asleep, i could still make out gus' kind eyes. he seemed too good to be true, but i was too drained to question it.

taking his hand, i pushed myself up off the floor.

"yo peep, what's goo- is that layla?," a man in a black hoodie greeted us at the door.

"fuck no," peep answered, sounding bothered.

"i didn't see her face and she got the same black hair-

staying behind gus, i corrected him, "it's ly-luh. no a."

"my bad, little lady."

"and my ly-luh, no a, is actually respectable," peep added.

i looked down at my feet, there was no truth to those words. i wish i could respect myself, even a little bit.

"i ain't really mean it like that, my bad my bad."

gus shook his head jokingly as he led me to his room. admittedly, the room was a pigsty. i stepped on maybe three piles of clothes just to get to the bed. he rushed to shove all his shit off the bed. the lights were off in his room and as soon as i fell on the mattress, it was lights out for me too.

"you're leaving?" i mumbled, hearing the door creak.

gus scratched the back of his neck, "i don't usually sleep in my bed. i can take the couch."

"it's a lil chilly though," i whispered, my smile concealed by the pillow my head was pressed onto.

the heater was on. i just wanted some bodily warmth; gus' bodily warmth. i claimed to not need nobody, but just for this night, i wanted to lay in his arms and feel okay.

taking off his white tee and shoes, peep climbed in next to me; getting under the duvet and making sure i was well covered.

i turned to face him, pressing my forehead into his chest, "you smell like sweat and marijuana, goddamn."

placing his head on top of mine and his hand around me, he murmured, "it's been a long night for you. go to sleep, beautiful."

i curled up into a ball under his arms. it was strange how comfortable i felt under his embrace.