Loving You

Say I'm Yours

[Hui]

I remember the first day we performed as a group, like it were yesterday. The tears didn't stop and it was a day filled with emotions... and I was happy and scared all at once. As we all consoled each other, I knew that my life had finally taken a new turn. Being a leader put a lot on my shoulders and as much as I respect and appreciate such a responsibility, it is still hard most of the time. That being said, I do not have the luxury of being selfish but... you force my hand, everytime you smile. My priority has always been to work towards an outcome which puts us forward as a team. Nothing ever seems like enough to me and no matter how hard I push, I feel as if I fall short. But I have no clue, as to when you started to take over my mind and my heart.

You were just like everyone else, I loved you the same as any other member but, somehow that changed. It wasn't love at first sight or anything close to it. I never saw you like that, nor did I ever imagine I would in the future. You were just this boy, really thin, with that savage sense of humor and an innocent smile. You looked like a kid to me and I guess that's fair cuz you are younger than me. Nothing about you quite stood out to me in the beginning, but... there was always something there, now that I think about it. I started to find a sense of comfort in you. I didn't go to you with problems, I didn't go to you for advice but that comfort, that was something that started to stand out.

Three years is a long time and when I go back and think about how I felt when I was with you, I realize how blind I had been. This thing that I feel is not new at all. Everytime you came to me and cared about me, I felt happiness welling up inside. "He trusts me", "He cares about me" - these thoughts have made me smile more than once. I felt like that was something I felt for everyone but no... when it was you, there was always something extra in there.

Like the idiot I am, I took too long to realize how I actually feel about you. Maybe it was a brotherly affection at the beginning but as time went by, I knew something was changing. I kept having thoughts about you which one usually wouldn't have for a sibling, or a friend for that matter. But it kept getting clearer to me with time. I always kept looking at you, where you were, what you were doing, if you were looking at me or not... it just kept getting worse. But watching you made me happy. And that happiness only kept growing.

But reality kept coming back to me again and again. The thing was, you are a man, a man from the same group and I'm the leader of said group. This situation was a soap opera waiting to happen, which was freaking the hell out of me. I honestly had no clue how to handle such a situation well because I had never been in such a situation before. But the thing that scared me the most was losing you. What if you found it weird? What if it becomes too awkward for you? These thoughts kept scaring me more than once and I lost a lot of sleep over how to actually get through this like a grown-up but once I started thinking about you, everything else seemed unimportant. You just make me feel so good inside? Thinking about you calms me down like nothing else and loving you always seemed like the best decision of my life.

I understood very clearly that I was in too deep and that there was no going back from here, not that I actually wanted to either. I knew that I would just keep loving you more and more with each passing day and I was worried that I was starting to make it obvious. We grew really close and you started coming to me with anything and everything. But every time you called me "Hyung", I felt happy and sad at the same time. It was the gentlest reminder of what I actually meant to you and although I was super happy that you thought of me as your brother, I think anyone can guess why the sadness came in to the picture. And yet, I allowed myself to have a bit of hope.

When you came to me with and without reason, I always ended up asking myself, "Can he possibly feel the same way about me?". I knew it was dangerous but whenever you chose to be close to me, I felt happiness swelling up inside me. But I didn't want you to know how I felt so, I did what any rational human being would do... stopped being close to you. Yeah, that is what I thought to be the best option. And of course when I did so, you asked me what had happened and why I was suddenly acting distant. I tried my best to go through the process slowly so as to not alert you of it but, that did not work even for a bit. When you asked things like, "Hyung what happened?" or "Did I do something wrong?", I felt like such a horrible human being. Just seeing your worried face was bad enough. I actually thought I could go along with it enough to turn it normal but I was stupid to think so.

And I gave up really soon, I think after a day or so. Don't judge me, you know I have no self control when it comes to you. I never had any self control when it came to you. Just seeing you feel guilty about it made me feel guilty about the entire thing and I just quit halfway. But then came the part where I had to tell you what actually happened. And I gathered up all of my courage and told you, that I like... someone. Yeah, I said someone and not you. And then there was this awkward silence. You just stood there for a good few seconds and your shocked expression was pretty justified. But even though I couldn't tell you that I like you, I still wanted for your reply.

But when you said "That's really great. Who is it?" while smiling, I could feel a huge weight coming down on my entire body. Well, of course I didn't want you to feel happy about me being with someone else so, I was devastated to say the least. And amidst all the confusion and commotion that was going on inside my head, I let my thoughts out. I ended up saying "How can you be happy?" and I didn't even realize that I had said something like that out loud. But when you replied by saying, "Would it make a difference if I wasn't" I could not handle my feelings. It was not what I was expecting but everything I was hoping for. When I looked up to see you, I could see that the smile disappeared and your face became serious. But it was all more or less a blur to me since my eyes had already started to fill up.

And I could see your smile coming back, right before my face got covered by your hug. I know I cry funny but I understood that that wasn't the reason why you laughed. My entire face was screaming "Yes" as an answer to your question and as always, you get me even when I don't say anything. And even after hugging you several times, hugging you that day was the best feeling ever. I honestly did not want to let go of you, because I had not felt that happy and safe in a long while.

Now, we are happy and together. We haven't told anyone anything yet so they probably don't know. We try not to make it obvious but we keep being close as usual.

[Shinwon]

Oh they definitely know about us. We make it obvious a lot of times.

[Hui]

Wait why are you so calm about this?

[Shinwon]

Because I make it obvious voluntarily so that people know you're mine. Even you do it though...

[Hui]

I never realized it though, should I tone it down a bit-

[Shinwon]

Don't. You. Dare.