My fingertips come off the countertop smeared with dust, making Elizabeth sneeze. The girl is sitting near my feet holding a wash basin of cold water. She took the time to collect it, and I don't have the heart to refuse. She washes my feet tenderly, as though she is scared of them. Or scared of me.
"Elizabeth," I start, but she shrinks away. "I'm quite alright. There's no need for you to go so far." She scampers away, the water sloshing in the basin. It is a strangely satisfying sound, and I can't help but like it. It sounds like the ocean. In my present condition, of course, I would never be able to go to the ocean. It is out of the question. Stomachaches plague me by day, and headaches by night. I'm too hot, and too cold all at once. My stomach is increasingly bloated and there's naught I can do about it. Doctors do their best to help me relieve the pain, yet are scared to try anything strong, for fear of hurting the baby.
I don't believe that it is a child. Children are born into happy homes to wedded mothers, and are raised to be respectful and kind. The thing I'm told is inside of me is not a child, but more like a demon. A beast of unknown proportions. That it is able to cause me such pain is truly remarkable, especially since I have been told of how small it is.
I remember when the first doctor came... or perhaps he was the second. After a thorough examination, he concluded that I was pregnant. Absurd! A tarnish on the name of my family, and for me as well. Children shan't be born outside of marriage. My mother raised me correctly, as every child should be.
The man was chased out of our home, stethoscope in hand. Shaking breaths were all I could manage, and he wasn't the last doctor to visit me.
"Louise!" Mother calls, before entering.
"Mother!" A smile breaks across my face; seeing her filled me with hasty relief! She is a true beauty, a kind, calming woman who I loved more than any other.
"Your cousins have come to visit you once more, and they want to bid you get well soon." She pauses, stroking her hand gently down the side of my face, smoothing down by baby hairs. Waiting for my permission.
"I'd rather not see them today, mother. Not with my appointment so soon and all."
"Of course, sweetheart. Rest now, and get well." She ignores that I was avoiding her gaze.
I only have three cousins, the sweetest baby girl, a young boy and another boy closer to my own age. I can't face him again, not after how awkward our last meeting was. He was in a foul mood. Edward is never pleasant when he isn't happy! Everything must to go his way. Or else, sometimes. I look up to him endlessly - he is taller than I, and intelligent, as he only attends the best schools. He has always been leagues ahead of me in every aspect, and so it was only right that he could ask a small favour of me. I could do that much, at least.
Early the next morning, I leave for my appointment with the fourth doctor.
When he'd first come, it had seemed the same as the others. But he offered a solution. Something new, which no one had mentioned before! He could remove it completely for me. Save me. Make me fit for living as a decent member of society. Therefore, we arrive at his run-down clinic, ready for his miracle. The room is dark and smells of damp, but doesn't ward me off. I sit atop his table and he offers me a rag, scented with the drugs used at clubs in the city.
My eyes slide in and out of focus whilst he busies himself with tools I can't quite see. I can't ask mother either. She was left outside the room. He pulls something into my view - it is long and shiny, and I am sure the thing which will save me from my hell. Make me respectable once more. Children are not to be born outside of marriage.
