To myself- a monologue

To myself

In the next ten years I hope to accomplish a lot. I try not to think of it too much for the fear of being let down. I hope to start hormones, that would be amazing, but that involves money so maybe not within ten years. Along with that I hope to get a job, at least an average paying one. I’m really actually hoping to get one next year. Unlike everyone else, I don’t hope to have a family. Maybe just a husband or wife, but I don’t hope for kids at all. I feel like I couldn’t take care of them, and along with the I guess emotional strain with me being trans. I doubt it would affect them but, I’m hoping not.
       I want trustworthy friends, accepting friends. The ones who don’t outright just disrespect me because “michalla is drilled into their brain.” I want to be surrounded by nothing but love from friends, platonic love, in my opinion, is the best love. If I were to go to college, which I personally don’t hope to do, I want to do interior design. I want to find something that gives my life a purpose. Obviously my parents don’t they just created me that’s about it. Nor do my siblings. I really hope to soon feel purposeful. Another thing I soon hope to feel is, relieved, I feel like I’m holding in this big breathe, and tip toeing on “marshmallow feet” just so I don’t mess one thing up.
       I can’t handle messing things up, I know everyone does but it just feels like my heart is suffocating, sinking, crushed. It’s not that I’m upset I messed everything up, I’m terrified for reactions. That’s besides the point, I want to start writing again. In the next ten years I want to focus on changing my perception, bettering myself. I hope to be able to write and not get annoyed at myself, in the next ten years I want to be more self-confident. I want to wake up and hate myself a little less, I wanna tell myself I'm worth everything that comes my way.
       I want to find someone, whether it be just a friend, best friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend, I want them to make me feel I am worth life itself. That I'm not a waste of space. I want to look back in the next ten years, and say “look how much you've changed, you are so important, and mean a lot.” Just in a whisper to myself.