If I Fall

The Beginning of Our End

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for·ev·er

fəˈrevər,fô-/

adverb

1. for all future time; for always.

"she would love him forever"

2. The easiest lie to believe.

        I scrolled through our old conversations. I don't know why I do this to myself, but the truth is I can't help myself.

Callum: I love you Blythe

        It was the first time he had said it. I always thought that the first time he'd direct that three word, ticking time bomb it would be in a more dramatic manner. I would always imagine flowers and music or at least a face to face conversation. I don't know. That's just me. Funny thing is though, it still made my heart burst into flames and my stomach flutter.

Me: Do you mean that? Because you know how I am Callum ..I'll believe it even if it isn't true.

        Reading this now, I realize how pathetic I must have seemed to him. But it was the truth. It was so naive of me to think that it would be enough. Tears began so swell my eyes but I swallowed the lump gathering in my throat. 

Callum: Blythe, I would never lie to you. Especially not with something like this. I take my emotions seriously ..I take your emotions seriously. I love you Blythe. I love you now and I'll love you forever.

Me: Forever?

Callum: Forever. Don't ever doubt that beautiful.

Me: Callum?

Callum: Yea?

Me: I love you to.

        And that was the day Callum Louise wrote his name on my heart like a name tag. Just like that I was his. So quick, so swift, so simple. That was the beginning of our forever, that I soon came to know, was irremediably short. Irremediably temporary, as many forever's tend to be. 

        I put my phone on my night stand and laid my head on my pillow staring up at the ceiling. I remember it all like it was yesterday. It was probably the happiest day I've had in a while. Callum had been mine then. Or, had he? Had Callum ever been mine? I closed my eyes at this thought, for the realization that I had been in love alone was too much to bare. It could have all been a lie, and it probably was, but the idea of Callum Louise was the most beautiful lie. The lump I tried so hard to swallow returned to it's rightful place, and the tears I've been holding back slid down my cheeks and onto my pillow. I wiped them away quickly, as if someone might see although I've been left alone to the comfort of my blue walls. My sanctuary. My cave. 

        I've learned, in such a short period of time, that the heart is truly foolish. Words like "never" and "forever" are simply illusions that the heart is always so eager to believe, and my heart was not the exception. I read somewhere that true love is only your first and that the rest are simply to forget. It should be rainbows and butterflies, at least at first. My first love though, simply sucked.

"Keep it together Blythe. Keep it together," I whisper lightly to myself. The first day of eleventh grad was exactly thirty-two minutes away and it surely wasn't going to wait up for an overly emotional 16-year-old.