I hear a knock on my door. I was back home for two weeks now after 2 days in the hospital. I still have violent episodes as I remember their hands on me. I can't sleep without seeing them looming over me, touching me, making me feel disgusting. I can't sleep thinking about my own father thinking I beckoned those boys to take advantage of me. I shiver and tears come to my eyes. I just wanted to forget. Tears prick my eyes and soon I'm a sobbing mess.
"Go away, "I yell. I buried my head in my pillow letting the tears soak it.
"Marcus baby," mom says."We haven't talked. Lets talk."
"Just go mom," I say. Just go away. You won't miss me when all of this is over. You'll have your perfect son Derek to look at for reassurance that our family wasn't crazy.
"Just...just let me know that you're okay," she says. I choke on tears. I try to hold them back as I get up to unlock the door. I open it and go into her arms and cry.
"I'm sorry mom, "I cry. I'm sorry for not being the straight son who marries the beautiful blond girl and has beautiful straight babies. For not being your perfect son.
"Let it out baby," she says.
I can feel her shaking too. Her tears wetting the top of my head. I cry in the softness of my mother. I used to do this all the time. She would always welcome me with open arms. Never once did she say no to a hug. I stopped hugging for some reason and we grew apart after so many years. I want to go back to that innocent boy that didn't know what was wrong with the world. I want to go back to him and tell him to stay forever young. Don't tell daddy you want a Barbie and a sparkly tutu for Christmas. I would tell him not to put on mommies high heels and not to put on lipstick. Tell him that he can't be the little mermaid and he can't have a prince because its wrong. Tell him not to try to kiss the boys in his class because it's wrong. Tell him He's wrong.
"I know about him, "my mother says. I look up at her.
"Don't tell dad please, "I plead sobbing.
"I won't," she says."why didn't you tell me."
"Why would I, "I say." I thought you would hate me for it."
"I would never hate you," she says caressing my head. "Don't you ever think that." I nod and let more tears fall.
"I like him mom," I say sobbing. " I like him so freaking much but I'm scared." She stayed quiet for so long that I started to think she really did think it was disgusting.
"Marcus," she says lifting my head. "You keep on liking him. No matter what your father says and no matter what anyone says. You keep on being yourself." I couldn't help the smile that came to my face as I held her tighter.
"Now that we're talking can I ask you something?"I ask after awhile.
"Sure," she says as we walk over to my bed.
"Why did Derek really leave? "I ask. "I know it's not just college because most college kids come back for holidays and act like they love their families, but David never came back. I haven't even met his kids yet. Or his wife. He's just someone we talk about but don't know." My mother looks shocked for a moment then sighs and puts her head in her hands to rub her hair.
"Your father," she chokes, "your father kicked him out."
"Why?"I press.
"Because he...went through the transition without your father knowing," she says. Transition?
"Derek was a girl?"I say. My mom nods.
"I took her to the doctor to get her breasts cut," mom says." Your father was against it from the beginning. He beat her that day. Almost killed her."
YOU ARE READING
I Love You (Boy X Boy)
Romance"Are you gay?" he asked. My heart stopped. No one has ever asked me that before. Do I look gay? Was there even such a thing as "looking" gay? I was so confused, What would I tell him? Was it even his place to ask? --- When Ma...
