look at me (i exist)

[one]

ever since liam started living alone, the days felt strange, like watercolors bleeding into one another. well, the days had always kind of felt like that. it's silly, really. liam could go an entire week of a full schedule and everything felt plain, like the same routine, and yet it was all so exhausting. he couldn't quite grasp the concept of everything happening too little and everything happening too much all at once. it was like drowning in water while wearing an oxygen mask.

maybe it was the quiet. the absence of jay's shrill voice and the sound of kris and lisa's back and forth playful bickering, followed by cori butting in with some silly, stupid quip to start an entirely new argument. his apartment felt barren and cramped all at once. again, another concept he couldn't grasp. the walls felt tight around him but when he walked into his living room he was swamped in how big it all was.

he didn't feel at home. it was like his apartment was a barren ghost town and he was there to haunt it. how does one haunt themselves, feel like they are intruding in their own home? another concept onto the list of unattainability.

everything had this grey, melancholy feel to it. even when liam found himself smiling, he couldn't go home and recall the reasons why. why was he so happy? why was he so sad? why was he so empty?

liam couldn't seem to grasp the concept of being alive.

every now and again, jay would call liam. he liked to keep tabs on all their friends because worrying ran through his veins. he also loved them. liam is pretty sure he loves them all as well, but he's not so great at showing it. or was it knowing it? his mind was starting to blend words and feelings together as well. his whole life was leaking and there seemed to be no way to stop it. he wasn't even sure if he cared to stop it anymore.

jay would always start the conversation first.

"Are you doing okay?"
"I'm doing okay."
"I haven't heard from you in a few days. I get worried. I see you read my messages but then you don't text back, so I-"
"I got tired."

it wasn't really a lie. liam had been feeling exhausted everyday, it seemed. not that he got much sleep anyways.

"You should text me when you're going to sleep so I can tell you to sleep well."

jay had this strange ability to make you see his face over the phone. like every word had a certain amount of emotion poured into it to feign a face-to-face conversation. in this very moment, liam could tell the older boy was pouting.

he sighed once before answering. why did answering take so much energy to do?

"I will. Sorry."
"Lee."
"Hm."
"Are you sure you're okay?"

he sighed again. why did answering take so much energy to do? he stared at the white wall of his bedroom. he had it repainted once he moved in and ever since then he hated the strange texture the roller brush had left. he didn't realize he had zoned out until he heard jay say his name once more. he was so focused on the ugly walls.

"Sorry. What did you say?"
"I asked if you were okay."
"Hm. You asked me that when I answered the phone..?"
"I'm asking again."

liam glanced at the wall again. he wondered if he should've painted it using a different brush.

"Um. Yeah. I'm okay. My wall is ugly."
"It's a wall, Lee. Let me come over."
"Don't."
"I'm coming over."
"I'd rather you didn't."
"I want to see your ugly wall."
"It's stupid. Don't bother."

liam didn't get a response for a bit and when he tapped his phone screen, the call was over. liam glanced at the wall again.

"Jay is coming over to see you." he said to it.