look at me (i exist)

[four]

liam was not a naturally sexual being. sex was a very primal, human aspect of him and he didn't enjoy tossing it around like nothing. yes, liam did have sex appeal and sometimes did show off the sexy part of him, but acting sexy and being sexual are two very different things.

liam only had sex three times, twice with the same person.

liam liked boys, but sometimes he also liked girls. liam liked nice people with pretty clothes and nice faces. gender didn't matter all that much to him. he hadn't dated much but there were times when there were friends he felt closer to, tiptoeing on the thin line between lover and friend.

liam only had sex three times, twice with the same person.

liam had something of a boyfriend once. a pretty model with pretty clothes and a nice face. he was sweet, kind, and loved to shop with him. they hadn't lasted all too long. nothing bad, really. liam just felt a bit bored, like he was dating himself, and liam wasn't all that interesting.

lee only had sex three times, they had sex twice.
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if asked to rank all of his friends in terms of attractiveness, liam wouldn't really know where to start. all of them were beautiful, in their own ways.

lisa was naturally pretty. she had smooth skin and a youthful face. she possessed a strange mix of sex appeal and natural cuteness. she had a strange, awkward personality, but it seemed to work on her. she was naturally sarcastic and had a daring air to her that was fun to be shrouded in. she had a caring heart and a playful attitude to give to the world.

jay was the human equivalent of cotton candy. soft, sweet, pretty, and easy to fall apart. jay had one of the biggest hearts liam had ever seen. he was a crybaby, but only because he had so much empathy and love for all those around him. he was courageous and outspoken, unafraid to hide who he truly was. jay took on a natural mother role for the rest of them, making sure they were all safe and happy.

kris was sweet and rambunctious, like the brother liam never had. he was a pest, but a good one. he was easy to entertain and laughed more than anyone liam had ever known. he was caring. he never seemed to not be happy and, as it was such a rarity to liam himself, he was both in awe and jealous of his neverending smiles.

cori was warm and comforting. she felt like home. she was an amazing leader and an even better friend. she knew all the different ways the four of them needed support and she often put her own needs after theirs. she had an old spirit with a young heart, wanting to take life and all it's happiness and strife in with open arms.

sometimes liam's heart and chest would hurt when he thought about how much love he had for them. they were beautiful people, amazing friends, and, in short, his family. liam felt selfish, having all their love and giving back what felt like nothing in return. it wasn't on purpose; he just simply didn't have the energy to give anything to them.

sometimes liam would just lie in bed and cry, the bad kind of crying. the kind where your chest heaves and you have to gasp for air. the kind where saliva builds up in your mouth and your eyes turn red and puffy. the kind when you clutch onto your pillows in hopes of grounding yourself back to reality, away from the hurt.

during these times, liam always finds himself wanting to call any of them, wanting to cry into the speaker of the phone, wanting to be comforted. he wishes they were still living together. liam could never cry in peace in the dorms, and he always hated that, but now he realizes what a blessing it was to have someone to cry with. he wishes he had the courage to call one of them. he wishes he could just press the call button and sob his eyes out while the other whispers words of comfort from the other line.

but, liam never does, and eventually he catches his breath, swallows down his saliva, and lets go of his pillow.
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liam was not a naturally sexual being.

liam only had sex three times, twice with the same person.

liam liked nice people with pretty clothes and nice faces. he hadn't dated much but there were times when there were friends he felt closer to, tiptoeing on the thin line between lover and friend.

sometimes liam would think about his friends in ways that friends normally shouldn't. yes, liam thinks that all of them are aesthetically pleasing, but anyone can say that about their friends.

liam is a bit ashamed that sometimes he pictures jay or lisa in between his legs, even if he doesn't mean to. on the rare occasions that liam has slightly sexual dreams, he feels a bit dirty when he wakes up and realizes that the lover in the dream was kris or cori. liam feels a little embarrassed his mind goes to gross places when one of them makes a noise while stretching or goes shirtless in the middle of practice.

liam thinks that maybe he shouldn't be making his friends into sexual objects for him to ogle at, but liam doesn't really know how to stop.
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liam was not a naturally sexual being, but that does not stop him from having gross thoughts about even himself. he often thinks of being with multiple people all at once, like all he is there for is to be used. it isn't a kinky thing, or at least, he doesn't think so. liam just thinks that, from what he remembers, he is good at sex and it's fun to do something you're good at.

sometimes, because of these thoughts, liam makes irrational decisions to do sexual things with people he doesn't particularly want to. sometimes he regrets doing them, but not always.

liam doesn't regret having sex for the third time, but he doesn't like to think about it.

how do you stop beating yourself up for saying a friend's name during sex with someone else? it's not like he meant to. he was just thinking about it. he just kept thinking about it. he kept thinking about his face and his body and his name, his name, his name.

how do you stop beating yourself up for saying a friend's name during sex with someone else?

liam only had sex three times, and even though the third person was someone he would never see again, he couldn't help but feel like he had sex with jay as he accidently let his name slip off his tongue.