Sanjay stared blankly at the TV set, never so frightened, never so alone. He couldn't believe the news. The plane had crashed. There were no survivors. His wife was dead. This was one contingency that he had never reckoned with. Sanjay had spent a good deal of time worrying about what would happen to Shalini, if he had died. In fact, he had always presumed, and even taken for granted, that he would die first and had accordingly planned meticulously and made elaborate and adequate financial provisions for her in case something should happen to him. But he had never for a moment considered what would happen to him if Shalini died. She had been an integral part of him and he couldn't even imagine living without her. He felt emotionally shattered. He wanted to cry but tears refused to come in his eyes and his throat felt dry. He lapsed into a zombie-like state of shock. His recollections of the next few days were just vivid flashes in a void. At first, in desperate hope he had rushed to the airport to check the passenger list, hoping that by some miracle she had not been on board. Little realizing that it was he who had seen her off. Then there were condolence visits, and the airlines insurance forms. He didn't want any money, or condolences. He wanted his wife back. Heartbroken with grief and a strange fear of loneliness, Sanjay had sunk into a state of suspended vacuum, devoid of cognizance. As he gradually came into consciousness from his drunken stupor, Sanjay realized that he had lost control over his life. He opened his eyes with trepidation. Everything looked blurred. Slowly things began to come a little more into focus. He was in a train – lying down on the lower berth in a first class compartment. On the opposite berth sat a family – a young man, his wife and their small daughter. The man was looking at him in disgust, the wife with pity, and the daughter with fear. Sanjay felt ashamed of himself and closed his eyes, in embarrassment, trying to escape from reality. As he lay on the berth indulging in self-commiseration, Sanjay had the lonely realization that there is indeed a moment when a man has no friend. There was no one to share his grief. Wallowing in a mood of self-pity in his private self-created hell, Sanjay had developed acute social phobia. He was afraid of meeting people, attending social gatherings. He had internalized his feelings to such an extent that he had even become a victim of agoraphobia - a fear of being in open or public places. It was a crippling illness. He was scared of leaving his home, afraid of even going to his office and meeting his colleagues. Sanjay was rapidly sinking into the depths of a loneliness induced melancholic depression – to the point of no return. The end of the road was in sight. "The most important thing is the ability to loosen and get rid of something that is worrying you, and forget your sorrow," advised Anand, Sanjay's boss. "Life must go on. What you need is break, a change of scene. There is a technical seminar in Chennai next week. I am sending you to attend it. It should be of professional interest to you – in fact, I have intimated the organizers that you shall be giving a lecture regarding the successful project you completed last year. Get busy and banish your sorrow." "It's easy to mouth platitudes," thought Sanjay. He tried to prepare the lecture but could not concentrate. He had been totally overcome by feelings of hopelessness and a sense of failure. He had lost his self–confidence. He looked at his watch – it was six o'clock in the evening; his train was at eight o'clock . The thought of traveling, facing so many people at the seminar and delivering the lecture – all these induced a strange fear in him. He was overcome by phobia. In his frustration, for the first time in his life, he began to drink. Trying to escape from reality, he drank quite a lot – almost the whole bottle of whisky. He could vaguely remember Anand taking him to the railway station and helping him to the train. Anand's parting words had an ominous ring about them, "It's your last chance Sanjay. To get hold of yourself." Sanjay entered the auditorium and stood near the door, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. Slowly things began to come into view. He was late. The seminar was already in progress. The auditorium was small and compact. It was shaped like a quadrant of a circle, with a raised podium in the central. The rows of seats were arranged in the fashion of curved arcs, split radially in the centre by the aisle. Each row was raised behind the one in front, in elevated steps, thereby affording each member of the audience a clear view, not only of the speaker, but also of each person sitting in the audience. Sanjay sat down on a vacant seat in the last row and surveyed his surroundings. His eyes had adjusted themselves to the subdued lighting and he could see clearly now. Most of the participants appeared to be professionals, smartly dressed in formal suits, with a sprinkling of academics easily distinguishable by their patent attire of bush-shirts and sandals. There was also small group of women, dressed in formal saris, sitting diagonally opposite across the aisle. As he surveyed the group, his eyes suddenly lit upon a stunningly attractive woman wearing a blue sari. She was a real beauty. She radiated an extraordinary sensuousness; of such a degree that Sanjay just could not take his eyes off her. He felt as if his eyes had locked on to her face. She exuded a captivating aura about her, which ravished his now hungry eyes. He feasted his eyes on her lovely face. She looked pristine – so fresh, so pure. He was oblivious of his surroundings; he only had eyes for her. Sanjay was in a haze of delight. For the first time since his wife's death did Sanjay feel completely relaxed; once again, he was in harmony with himself. At first, didn't notice the lights being switched on. He had been completely absorbed by her radiant sensuousness, almost in a trance. As she got up from her seat, the woman turned and looked at him. Their eyes met. He hoped that his genuine adoration had not gone unnoticed. She gave him a glance that could have meant anything. No response. He was disappointed. But he was not going to give up so easily. He caught her eyes again, looking steadily and directly: passionate admiration and yearning radiating from his eyes. She held his gaze in a kind of challenge, there was a lengthy pause and then she smiled. He felt relieved, and elated. The frank admiration in his eyes had won him a smile. Her large youthful eyes were now fastened on his. There was a language in her eyes, which Sanjay could not fully fathom. Happy and gay, her eyes conveyed a certain naïveté tinged with curiosity, possibly approval. For Sanjay, it was a moment of supreme satisfaction. He felt renewed and refreshed. Suddenly, contact was broken as somebody blocked his line of sight. Everyone was walking towards the exit for the tea break. Sanjay had now lost sight of her. She had gone out for tea. Sanjay kept sitting. The auditorium was now empty. He closed his eyes in introspection. He felt calm and serene. In his mind's eye he could clearly visualize her exquisite face and magnetic eyes. And her tantalizing smile – teasing, almost naughty. Sanjay could not begin to describe the sensation. She evoked in him. Certainly it was pleasurable and had a soothing effect on his frayed nerves. A much needed palliative. When Sanjay opened his eyes he noticed that the woman had shifted her seat and was sitting alone, across the aisle, much closer than before, affording a better view. She was looking at him in a canny manner, and when he caught her eye, she quickly turned her gaze towards the podium. Sanjay experienced an encouraging flush of self-confidence. He got up from his seat, moved forward, and took up a strong tactical position. He now had an unobstructed, clear view of her from the most favorable aspect. He noticed that her eyes had been tracking him. He looked into her eyes and smiled. There was a conspiratorial look in her expressive eyes, at once inviting, and taunting. She was teasing him with her eyes, as if her stimulus had evoked a response; or was it vice – versa. Encouraged by her enthusiastic response, Sanjay indulged himself lavishly. He made love to her with his eyes. She responded with unrestrained zeal, genuine exhilaration pouring out of her eyes. As their mutual visual interplay became intense, Sanjay was transported to an ecstatic state of supreme bliss. Mesmerized in her enchanting eyes, Sanjay was in a delightful trance, oblivious of his surroundings, forgetting his grief. This immensely enjoyable experience had, at least momentarily, liberated him from his inner tyranny. As he walked back to his hotel in the evening Sanjay was bubbling with joy. He experienced a unique state of awareness and self–confidence. Renewed and invigorated, he felt on top of the world. His lecture was scheduled the next day. His would work hard and make it a success. He had to do it, at least for her. She was his inspiration. He felt confident. He was going to give an impressive performance; make a lasting impression on her. She would never forget him. Luckily he had got his chance and he was going to make the most of it. As his thoughts ran on, he felt charged with energy. Sanjay had bounced back into life again. He felt buoyant, as though he had traveled through a long dark tunnel and, suddenly, burst out into the bright open countryside again.
HER STORY
