To the boy who doesn't care.
You know that I hate you right? You know that you have absolutely destroyed me right? I dont know who I am anymore I don't recognize the person I see anymore. Did you do all of this on purpose? Was this some kind of sick game to you? Everytime I think I've finally got the strength to start moving on you pop right back in and tear everything down again, whether it's you just laughing or its actually you doing something to irratate me. You manage to fucking come back and destroy everything I've built. And it fucking kills me, what's worse is I dont know if I'm more upset about you not talking to me or if I get more irritated when you do. I think it's both because when you do come to me it's about how to save yourself or help you fix you fuck up. I am not your therapist I am a human being who loves you so fucking much it hurts me to the depths of my fucking soul. It's torture to love you because you told me once you loved me like her or "almost" as much whatever the fuck that means. And now you dont even fucking make eye contact with me. Is that because you are still trying to rein in your emotions is it because now your disgusted with how pathetic I am. Because if you could tell I was into you there is not a doubt in my fucking mind that you know I love you and I do, I love so so so so much I drowning in pain. Watching you pretend nothing happened watching you move on with your life. And let me tell you some thing asshole , I have tried multiple times to fucking move on and nothing is working because my heart, my stupid stupid heart is doing everything in its fucking power to go back to you and honestly my brain doesnt see the problem with it. What stops me and breaks my heart even more then you did is I cant do that to her. I could never hurt her like that, but honestly do know how many times my heart has wished for you to just show up at my door and confess your love to me? Do you know how many times I've cried myself to sleep knowing that will never happen? Do you know how much my heart breaks when my parents talk about you because they like you so much they just want to know how you've been and what you're up to? Do you know how fucking hard it is to hide my broken heart from everyone in my life. DO YOU KNOW MUCH I AM SINKING AND FALLING AND DROWNING IN SORROW BECAUSE OF YOU! ITS ALL YOU. And I'm not saying what happened was all your fault because it wasn't what I am saying is my love for you is your fault. Because you are amazing, you are sweet and funny and protective and jealous. You make the funniest of faces and you are passionate about marvel and the other things you love. You are independent and a go getter you do whatever you can to make the people you care about happy and you're thoughtful god are you so thoughtful these are the reasons I love you....and honestly I just wish that I could tell you....but what good would it do? You wont leave her and it will just start another fight and after this one I'd lose you both.......so I sit in silence and I suffer because even though it hurts I want you happy even if that means I have to go.... But god do I love you so fucking much... I love you so much it is actually causing me pain I wish I knew of a way to make it stop but I dont and I'm told that it's just something i have to get through and push through and I'll eventually be okay..... I just wish eventually was a lot sooner, because this pain is getting to be too much to handle. I am broken and drowning and you dont give two shits about it and that's what fucking hurts the most is you dont fucking care! You just need to help you fix your fuck ups with her.. but that's what I get for setting you up right? I become your personal counselor because I know you both. I hate you so much, I hate that I dont hate you and I hate how much you hurt me I hate the person you have created with what you said and honestly I hate how much it doesnt fucking phase you. Everytime I think that's it I'm done I start writing again and I guess that's not a bad thing because these words need to come out somewhere right? And if you wont fucking listen to me then I will spill my guts into writing. And for fuck sake this is like the millionth letter I have written that you will never ever ever read and if you did I doubt you'd care and that's what really hurts. I hate you so much, but what I hate more is that I dont..... I just wish you could see this. I wish I could tell you because I'm broken and all I want is you and I will never ever ever get that. And it sucks because I keep crying and I keep writing like it's going to change something but it wont and it doesn't and I want to be happy again but I cant with you around, but I cant seem to cut you out of my life and I....I just dont know anymore. I have a physical pain in my chest when I see you, or hear your voice or even hear your fucking name and it kills me, I dont know you I am anymore and it's all your fault. I am the broken shell of a person and I cant find who I am anymore. I wish I could because I miss her.I miss the girl I was in May I miss the girl who was happy and fun loving, but now that girl is gone shes lost and I really really really really want her back, but I dont know how to get her back. How do you get back your old self? The you before a person who you thought cared about you comes in and destroys you. The person you were before you broke before the emptiness and sadness set it. Because I'd like to know I'm so broke and sad and hurt and literally a shell of who I used to be. And I am getting repetitive and its annoying and maybe that's why you dont like me anymore but I am so heart broken I just need to get it out, why is that i am literally feeling physical pain and you cant even look at me.......tell me why I care so much and you so little...tell me why you did this tell me why I was so easy to hurt and throw away, tell me why I am not good enough, because now because of you I really dont think I am good enough, I think I am a failure a waste of space and piece of trash. Some one that is so easily thrown away and forgotten about. You want to know why? Because you did it to me so fucking easily you said you care you said you loved me and all of sudden I am just thrown out and you told me you threw the emotions away. And I have a really really hard time dealing with believing if anything you told me was true. You say it was but if it was could you really have thrown me away so easily? Because you obviously cant let go of her, you say you love her, but you told me too....so which is true me or her? It has to be her right? That's why you're ignoring me, that's why you cant meet my eye when we are in the same room and talking, that's why you avoid me? I just want to know how was it so easy.....I've broken down further I still dont know who I am. And I dont fuck. know how to find me. I'm a ship lost at sea and I am running out of supplies. I need help but dont know where to look. Do ask my mom? Do I tell her everything or do I fucking just man up and go see a therapist or heres my third option.....do I just wrap up every letter I've ever written you and give them to you? Let finally find out the truth from me. But what good would that do you would laugh at them and continue on with your merry little life. I'm heart broken and you are probably sleeping peacefully in my friends bed. With out a care in the fucking world you dick head. I'm sad and hurt and crying and hate fucking everything. Should I man up? Or should I just continue to hide? Who the fuck am I asking? Not like anyone will ever read this.
Sincerely
The girl with a broken heart.
YOU ARE READING
A letter to a boy who doesnt care.
RandomHow do you throw some one out like they are just trash that's what this girl wants to know. Did he really care or was it just a lie? How could he say those thing then throw her away. These are her thoughts to the boy who doesn't care.
