Yesterday. I sat there. Then really considered finding a way to die. Whether it was walking to the bridge and jumping into the stream under. Taking the medication around here and mixing it. Or some other way. I thought about everything around me. About how my siblings doing care. I know they dont to them I've been gone for a while now. To everyone else. I'm just a sad street puppy they always see but wont bother to take in maybe fed occasionally. To you. I thought about how happy I make you feel and how sad I make you sometimes. I thought about how hard I make things on you. How you would never be where your at it I hadn't brought you down. I thought about all the pain I caused you. I thought about all the time I broke you. I thought about how you really shouldnt be with me. I thought about getting really stoned off the cough medicine and falling asleep in the shower. Or just taking a ridiculous amount and hope it's enough to kill my liver. And relish in the feeling of slowly dying. I thought about if I died everyone would move on because they would think it's what I wanted. I thought about how my siblings would probably straighten up. How my friends should try and find some joy in the situation because that's what I do I make people laugh and feel better. I thought about you. How you would probably carry me the rest of your life. In the end I didnt do any of that. I turned the water on really hot. And sat on the floor of the shower with my head between my knees. I sat feeling the water burn my skin. I sat there until the water went cold. Got out got dressed. Came to the couch. Got ready for bed called you. Typed your message out and fell asleep.I thought about how. I know I shouldnt feel this way. I thought about how I saved myself and things should be okay. I thought about how I should be used to how unfair life is. I thought about how. I dont hate myself. That I should be proud of the person I'm becoming. I thought about how I could died and be okay with it. I thought about this time. I wasn't scared to die and it would be alright.
