I've been writing in my journal about how I feel and how it's this pain killing me inside, and how hard it is to hate yourself and have to deal with it just because you were born that way, and how difficult it is to struggle waking up every morning when yesterday night you fell asleep crying and overthinking about how stupid and ugly and how much you wanna die, but there you are living again even when you haven't asked for it, people judge me for the way I feel, I didn't ask for pain, who would actually think that I asked to hate myself and wanting to die, it's not my fault but they're blaming me for it, as always it's my fault, I'm always wrong, no matter what I say or think I'm always losing, no matter how hard I try it never matters... so I'm just gonna finish my journal the day that I've decided to kill myself and I'm gonna give it to someone else, someone that I know that would probably care and read it, because it's pretty long so it would take a while to read all of it.
Why must I keep living this lie, why can no one see the pain in my eyes. When they ask how I am why can't they see the "good" is code for I'm falling apart. Why can't I escape, there's nothing I can do. He's got me tangled in his web of deceit and pain. So many people think he is an amazing guy, it's my fault I tell them how amazing he is. If only they knew the truth or could see the monster hiding under all of those layers of polished personality. My true hell is in his arms along with my entire world. Why do I depend on him so much, why do I seek his praise. I don't need it but without it I know I can't survive. I don't feel like I'm the victim, I don't think that I have any kind of stockholm syndrome. I want him to see my heart and know that I love him deeply. If only my best was good enough, if only he could see the pain in my soul. I guess I've always been good at hiding it, he doesn't need to know, he doesn't need the stress. He will never see me cry, not because I can't but because I won't. He enjoys my tears and knowing that he causes them, it's like he feeds off of it. To apologize is to submit completely, it doesn't mean anything unless you're on your knees proving you mean it. Words are never enough, it requires action, begging for forgiveness or breaking something precious. Why can't I leave, good question, I can't leave him. He needs me and no one else can put up with his needs like I can. He would be lost without me, and it's my fault I've made him dependent upon me, if I left he wouldn't survive. It's all my fault, he said if he knew I was leaving we would all die together. Love means being together forever no matter what. He's my one and only someone and he knows that I will never replace him because I can't. No one would find my inner beauty like he can.... or so he says. I can't look because that would be betrayal and I couldn't bear lying to him like that. I guess I'll just keep saying I'm good when I'm really not, and saying he's the best friend a girl could want, when obviously it's not true.
