The pained voice on my mobile phone told the story. He seriously desired his marriage to work, however, only one option seemed possible: Move out. Caught in deadlocked communication, hurtful putting the blame, and a rapid marriage meltdown, this final strategy was the sole answer. He had to flee. This marriage was hanging by a thread.
12 months before this couple had made promises on an altar. In front of their friends, family, and God, they promised not to give up. They were in love ... I could see it in their eyes-the romantic attraction, the commitment. They understood straight up that marriage is challenging. They understood that a joyful wedding celebration and a fantastic honeymoon weren't necessarily predictors of marital success. They expected challenges.
That cell phone call pointed out they probably were facing the greatest challenge of their new life with each other so far: Marriage meltdown!
How did this occur? What caused the downward spiral?
Things go wrong
Even the best-prepared premarried couples are not well equipped for unstable finances, dual careers, old baggage, and unmet expectations. Even under "normal" conditions, the perfect relationships come in for big problems. And simply add a couple of stepchildren and ex-spouses and things get actually engaging.
No one expect perfection; things make a mistake, stuff occurs. Marriage is an education. You can find adjustments to be sailed, lessons to be discovered, and sacrifices to make. That's marriage. That's normal.
Yet what should you do when the medical report is not good? When the portfolio collapses? When the wife or husband walks out? What occurs if you miss the red flags and every little thing falls apart? What should you do next?
When things go awfully wrong, panic begins. You drop objectivity, communication ceases; the specific situation deteriorates-fast. When life caves in, you feel yourself on autopilot, struggling to stay focused, incapable of making critical marriage-saving choices.
Knowing that every marriage is headed for intermittent crisis events, doesn't it make sense to have a plan? Doesn't it seems sensible to build up a tactical listing you can rely on any time things go bad?
Let's perform some risk management.
When you prepare a mitigation plan for that unavoidable break down, what could be your top 4, bottom-line, action items? Imagine yourself deep in a marriage-threatening scenario. Where could you go? How would you act? Who would you talk to? What steps would you take to save your marriage?
Here's my Top Four list:
1. Don't do it alone. From the spiritual growth point of view, the best decision Sheri and I ever made ended up being join a small group. We had an immediate appreciation with our church group, meeting regularly for learning, community, attending numerous christian marriage conferences and worship-we "did life together."
As new Christians, our own spiritual lives soared, however there is a crucial side benefit: We created close relationships. When our marriage got tough, we had friends to call. Thru jobless, surgery, and financial meltdown, even death, our group was there for us.
Who will you contact? Don't do it on your own. Begin now-nurture some significant relationships.
2. Seek assistance. Luckily, Sheri and I have been good about recognizing when to seek third party help. We have been in tight spots, deadlocked in marriage-threatening problems that we just couldn't solve on our own.
An expert Christian counselor provides objectivity and facilitate communication, steering a disaster-bound marriage towards recovery.
Counseling has worked for us due to the fact we aren't bothered to ask for help. Sheri and I don't even think of counseling as a weakness. In fact, we've come through the experience stronger and much more resilient.
3. Soften your heart. Relationships are most vulnerable when issues increase to the point of difficulty. In the event you let them, circumstances will quickly spin out of control to standoff stage-past disagreement, beyond raised voices to a point where communication stops and the only choice seen through the helplessness and hurt is to walk out.
Before you decide to give up, pause and look at yourself:
* Do you need to ask forgiveness?
* What are you angry about?
* Do you wish to forgive?
* Is a headstrong attitude stonewalling your marriage?
* How will you compromise?
* Why did you get married from the start? Remember?
Someone needs to give in. Someone should soften his or her heart and take a first step towards recovery. Relinquish you want to "be right." Stop the putting the blame, stop the blaming. Humble yourself and undergo the possibility that you contributed to the breakdown. Turn your focus from frustration to negotiation and next steps.
What's more important, your pride or your marriage?
4. Engage spiritually. The catalyst for a loving, successful marriage arises from God. It's easy to disconnect from God-missing church services, skipping prayer, and staying away from close friends-when you're deep in relational condition. Yet, the time has come you most need to be spiritually connected. It could be time for you to turn towards God.
With out God, our propensity is to drift into self-sufficiency; we strive to fix bad situations by ourselves. If we work independently of God, we're simply surviving, finding temporary fixes. To get acquainted with marriage-saving activities like the ones mentioned above, you need God and christian marriage conferences.
Begin with prayer. Prayer is merely speaking to God. Look for a quiet place alone and tell Him what's on your mind. Prayer is not about being elegant or using religious sounding words-remember, this is a discussion. Ask God to let you know what you should change about yourself. And then ask Him to assist you do that.
Praying with your spouse could be uncomfortable even in great marriages, but if you could take that risk, it will pay returns. Suggest prayer to your partner. Start by simply sitting alongside one another, holding hands and closing your eyes; you take the lead. Come ready with notes if you wish to. Make it simple.
Has your church attendance been sporadic? Recommend to your spouse that you combine a church service with a breakfast or dinner. Turn it into a date and get involved in their married couples retreat. In small steps commence to re-establish your church existence. Turn it into a weekly priority to get in the car, drive to church, and walk in the door. Your hearts will soften and you'll begin hearing God.
You might feel especially distanced from God during this time. Get in touch with Him. He wants to have a personal relationship with you. That may be the vital missing link that is so necessary to you and your marriage.
My friend and I talked for an hour the day he called my cell number. I thanked God and sighed a breath of relief as he wisely chose to give his marriage another chance.
Just before ending the call, we set up a breakfast to talk about next steps. That next week Sheri and I met with this couple, our friends, whose marriage was at risk.
That was a grueling conversation-direct and challenging. However they listened and boldly accepted our counsel. Right now there is much work to be done, yet because they're steadily pursuing these "basics," their marriage is different. There's renewed hope.
It's possible to claim back your relationship. However you need to get ready ahead of time and be prepared to deploy any or all of these steps prior to your marriage shuts down. These suggestions is not going to come naturally-they are not intuitive-especially during troubled times. The foundation you build now could make the difference between heartbreak and healing. You can find anything you need to know about this article at http://www.familylife.com/weekendtoremember
