Who are you

Journal Entry 1

It all started when I was little... 2 maybe I was as happy as I could be, I didn't know what kind of trauma awaited me years later. Anyway moving on I was the devil's spawn when I was a toddler, the neighbors hated me, my older brother( who is actually my uncle) didn't say anything every time I beat him up with toy cars. My mom was always working and my great grandma didn't really care what I did, so my mom hired a nanny.

Nice girl she was by the way, although I always saw these bruises up her legs and arms. At the time I didn't really know what they  were.  Even though I woke up with random bruises every day after digging up the plants from my grandma's yard. My nanny had her father beat living shit out of her with a belt everyday, the only way I knew this was because... One day he came over to our house looking for her and right when he was about to hit her again I stepped in, I stepped in and took the hit for her... and let me tell you it wasn't a nice feeling, I started crying. Not because it hurt because I was scared for my nanny.

When my grandma saw this she didn't hesitate to call mom, my mom didn't live that far from the job she had at the hotel, she was here in about five minutes... she took one glance at me and one glance at the man holding the belt and she kicked him out of our house, but he took our nanny along with him and I didn't see her for a week. She kept coming in but, only stayed for a while and then left... and I've heard it was my grandma's fault she left.

My mom was furious over the phone with her. My grandma told her that she couldn't take care both of us at the same time and this is what my mother said."Who told you to fire Lucy", Then she hung up on my grandma. That was the last time I've heard of my nanny. After that someone convinced my mom to quit her job and stay home. Every unnecessary person was living out of my mom's salary and she could barely feed me.

When I turned 3... My uncle started playing the same songs over and over sitting on the top of his car crying. His wife had cheated on him.. I just sat there listening to him play the songs and hung out with him like so I just stood there confused. He look at me and said " Hey I want to see you grow up and go to school", thing is that was the last thing I've heard of him. My uncle was murdered exactly a couple months later. His wife had told him " I'm going to kill you", Just because he told her he was filing for divorce. He was murdered by a street of a bus stop that I can remember like a nightmare in a dream. I wasn't there and I didn't understand why I could remember or see that.

A year passed after his death and his wife killed herself, someone called our house if we knew anything about her family so they could help with the burial. when my grandma heard that "Nora is dead" on the phone she was in shock. she didn't know what to tell us or my mom but it ended to ears of my mom later on. That she wanted to kill my uncle of course, she didn't say anything while she lived and I didn't know what her reasons were.

When Nora died, my mom decided it was best for to start a new life in The United States. I didn't want anything to do with that after all I just lost someone and I could remember kissing him through the glass pane of his coffin. We ended up in Texas after doing all the process of permanent residence we were officially legals in the United states.

I met my real grandma(who by the way never loved me) and my aunt who was a complete bitch to me for no absolute reason. The first week in Texas was hell for me. My grandma starved us and my aunt talked shit about my mom behind her back. Then after a while my mom got sick of it, called this man I never knew and we were out of there....

I never knew this man's name or intentions but, after everything that has happened I needed a man figure in my family. I started calling this stranger "dad" hoping he wouldn't leave me the way my real dad did, or like my uncle left this world. Hoping that he wouldn't just be another of mom's reasons of depression. After my uncle died I've never seen my mom cry so much like she did.

Of course I didn't understand what I was seeing because.. I myself didn't know how to express my feelings. That's when I started to suck everything in.. Every morning I saw the truck that my uncle drove the words "Frito Lay" and a smiley face written on the side of it. Me being the kid I was, ran every morning yelling out  "DAD DAD, COME BACK". I waited for him to come back, but he never did. My uncle was gone after all and I called him dad...that's what made me stay silent all these years.

My older brother who was only one year older than me, took even longer to start talking, after years of living alone with my great grandma. I understood even though I wasn't the one who lost both parents. That silence in me still stayed because I couldn't remember him, or his voice or anything about him, until my mom reminded me.

Here I was in a new Country, in the state of Texas standing there, this man saying that he was my dad. I hid behind my mom, and shyed away I knew he wasn't my dad. After a while of him taking me and my mom to restaurants and living with him I decided to call him dad. I decided to give this stranger that just came into my life a chance. I didn't know why I did that,but all I knew was that I was alone so I needed someone.