After all, why on Earth would anyone want to expose themselves to the torture that is the ever-so far away existence of the person who has your heart? Without a specific feeling or person to put into its context, it's no surprise that many people view this concept as unfathomable.
If you haven't guessed yet, I am one of those people who has made a long distance relationship my reality. Furthermore, I also used be someone who thought that such a relationship would never exist in my world. It really was something I never expected for myself, but only until I found myself at the start of an amazing relationship only a month before my big move to college almost 500 miles away from home. Although the official relationship itself only began a short while before this huge transition, my boyfriend just so happens to be a wonderful guy that I was very close with for more than a year prior to the start of us becoming a couple. In other words, my caring, respect, and love for another human being overcame all of the past expectations of what my first relationship would look like, and so we went ahed and took on what many view as the impossible.
Within the first 2 weeks of me being away, not much about our relationship changed except for the distance. We texted, FaceTimed, and most of all, missed each other like crazy. After all, going from spending the whole summer together to being 500 miles apart was anything short of fun . At the end of those 2 weeks, he came up to Fredonia to visit me for Labor Day Weekend, and everything was perfect. In fact, it almost felt as if we had never left each other, and the weekend flew by just like all the time that we spend together. Before we knew it, it was time for him to get in his car and rebuild the 500 mile gap that currently defines our relationship. I cried for days after he left, calling upon friends and family for comfort and support. However, to my surprise, after all of the intense emotion had subsided, I suddenly felt empty.
When I say empty, I don't mean sad or broken. I mean literally empty. No feeling whatsoever. When I thought of us together, I couldn't channel an ounce of happiness, or anything for that matter. When I went out with friends to try and take the edge off or to distract myself from my worries, I didn't feel okay. In other words, my thoughts were constantly eating at me. As you can imagine, this is awfully scary for someone who has never had a previous relationship, let alone a long distance one. All I could think about was what this could possibly mean. Was I not in love? Did something happen over the weekend to upset my subconscious mind? Was this relationship worth it? To make a long story short, these questions and more brought on six weeks worth of miserable doubts and overthinking until I got to see him again.
To stay towards the positive side of things, if there was anything beneficial that came out of those doubtful six weeks that we were separated, it was that the craziness of them somewhat made them fly by. I wouldn't call the anticipatory feeling for this visit excitement, but I'm pretty sure that only had to do with all the anxiety that I had been feeling. Before I knew it, I was looking out my dorm room window to see his silver Chevy Malibu parked in the otherwise empty lot on the first day of Fredonia's Fall Break, and finally, for the first time since he had left, I felt a twinge of happiness in my gut. If for nothing else, we had finally made it to this point, and we had a chance to see if everything was okay between us. (Spoiler alert: It was.)
I won't lie and say that things felt the same, but I do know for sure that they were waaaay better than what all of my anxious thinking had lead me to expect. Us together began to feel normal again, and I began to realize all of the little things that I had missed about spending daily life together. The doubts I had been feeling weren't necessarily entirely gone, but they were the furthest to the back of my mind that they had been since they implanted themselves in my brain 6 weeks prior. If I'm being honest, I wish we had more time to be together (as I'm sure any girlfriend would), but once again, a 4-day weekend flew by, and goodbye came quicker than we wanted it to. Of course, It was another emotional one, and I cried on and off for the rest of the day after he was gone.
Soon enough, and somewhat to my disbelief, I began to feel that anxious emptiness creeping up again. The unreasonable doubts and lack of feelings resurfaced themselves, and this time, tenfold. I'd like to think this is the case because I was hoping they wouldn't return and did anyway, but I'm certainly no psychologist. Honestly, in retrospect, it hurts me so much to be doubting such a good thing, but with close to no relationship experience under my belt, it makes it very difficult for me to make sense of what my brain is trying to tell me. It's almost as if my mind and body wants me to shut off my feelings and move on in order to avoid the hurt of him being away, but deep down, my heart knows that is not the answer.
I don't know how long it will be until I settle and feel truly at peace with the situation, but until then, I will continue to communicate with this great guy who has my best interest in mind no matter what. If there's anything I've learned about relationships throughout this experience, it's that communication is key. Don't hide in your times of trouble, because chances are, they have the power to make you and your partner a stronger couple, even if it means feeling on the rocks for some time. With my affection levels and therefore my need for physical presence being pretty high, maybe I'm not wired to be in this kind of relationship. However, I do know that I can make it through anything that life throws at me, and possibly even better with a supportive person by my figurative side.
To conclude, my point is that I believe in the idea that all types of experiences are different for everyone, and moreover, that long distance relationships are no exception to this rule. In fact, a large part of the reason why I have decided to share my story is because I believe it has been a bit different from what most people usually report in regards to their emotions in a long distance relationship. I've searched high and low for a story like mine, but to no avail. Perhaps in a case like this, there's no definition of normal, but rather only what we feel is right for us.
