International Stardom (BTS Spanking story)

Silence of a fearful god {RM} pt.1

Happy new year my beautiful readers! Thank you so much for being the lights of my life last year on my journey to writing 🧡 I love you all and I'm so thankful for all of you who are so dedicated to my works 😉 Also I have uploaded my first chapter on my NCT story, so any of you who would like to see can read it. let's make 2019 an unforgettable year with peace and love for all ❤️ I love you ARMY. FIGHTING !

Love ya bunches 🍪

DISCLAIMER: this chapter deals with talks of depression and suicide. If your ever feeling depressed, talk to me or an adult. I'm always here for you 🖤

// RM's POV //

I can't breathe properly
The blood in my veins is on fire
The rush of adrenaline I feel with my anger is too much.
I scream out to people
Please help me
Please save me
God, stop these thoughts from my head
But they turn away
And away
And away
And away
I can't trust anyone
My secrets are always known
Nothing is ever truly mine
The tears I have wasted is high
The hatred In my heart is collapsing
My oh my!
The hate tastes so good
It feeds me well and I beg for more
People love but I hate
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I always by myself
Why does my mind hold me captive!
The fire is so dark and inducing
Nobody cares
NOBODY FUCKING CARES
The best friend I've ever had is losing herself
God why do you bring so much happiness to me and then peel it off like a bandaid?
I'm forever alone
People are always gonna leave
I have nobody
And nobody has me
It's getting worse
It's going to kill me!
My eyes can't bear too much
My lungs can't breathe
I can never reveal myself
My heart is forever off beat
I scream to you god
Why am I here?
Why do you keep me here?
Are you evil?
Do you hate me?
I need a real soul
Someone who can't lie or steal or cheat
I want to leave
I can't stay here
My mind is giving up
I'm giving up
But just like the others you turn away
And away
And away
And away
I can't do this
I'm so starving
Days go by
Nights take over
The darkness always feeds upon me
I'm going under
God? Are you even real?
What did you make me for?
I want to lash out
I want everyone to know my name
I want adults and children to fear me
They are too afraid to come near me
Or be mean to me
Or be nice to me
Because I'm so traumatized
The pain is back
It never left
I do everything right
I go to your goddamn house every week and this is how you repay me?
Don't you understand!
I'm surrounded by vultures
They will kill me
They will ruin me
Change me
Change them
Make me want to live for one more day
Please
I beg
And plead
How many punches do I have to take to my sanity until I get what I need
What I deserve
Happiness leaves
Just like the bones that could never control me
They run away
And away
And away
And away

I re-read the poem I wrote, and my tears thickens.

My heart feels so heavy; The bliss in my eyes can't be resurrected.

I can't harden the shame in my mind. I feel so guilty that I have everything and everyone, but still feel sad.

No, not sad. I'd rather be sad, I'm very tired.

Tired of living the life I am living, of being the man I don't want to be.

Everyone loves me, but I don't feel loved.

I feel like a burden, a heartless wrench. I'm absolutely worthless; No woman deserves me.

My head feeling shattered, I decided to get some sleep, so I went to bed.