SCREAM!

Idk

Sorry for not updating recently , I've been busy with school and have found no motivation to do much of anything . Anyway I thought I'd finally use this book for its intended purpose , to confess .

Recently I've found my self talking to one of the voices In my head , originally I had them all und r control and thus could kit talk with them , however , lately one of them , I call him smiley , has gotten stooge goth to the point that when it is silent and I am not thinking deeply he is there talking to me . It's strange though . It's not like a mental illness , it feels is if it is just my own loneliness and fear of fully being my self around others has manifested its self into the other parts of my personality talking to me . Violent urges that I would had became dialogue, as did the comfort I would have to bring my self when I could rely on no one . It strange and I guess mildly concerning , however, it In no way negotiable effects me or the people around me , In fact they don't suspect a thing .

On another not I have gotten a lot better when if comes to self harm , however I feel I might fall back into the days of a minimum of three cuts a day , I can feel the emptiness and darkness calling me again , but when I reach for help I either get pity or treated like someone who is broken and thus less than human . I  don't want pity . I don't want someone to save me and at this point I do t think I would trust them if they tried . All I want is a f*cking weapon to fight my way out of this with .

Ugh .... Their are so many words up there (which I won't check for mistakes) but none of them satisfy me . Why are you reading this ? Why do you care about some random girl who has been broken by her own mind that even her subconscious won't allow her to love the way she should . Why . Just .....why.