READY

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As I take my clip out and listen to the loud curses of who I call mom through the closed door with 5 seconds of summer playing in the background,  I think why, why am I the way that I am, why am I needed. I come to a conclusion, that this year is going to be 11 months short for me. The blade comes out of my sharpener in its silver glory, it is ready and so am I. This year.

It's the 3 of January New year, New life, or none.

As the blade gets into position in my hand, and takes one slash across my left wrist, blood comes gushing out, then another and another, my wrist looks gorgeous in a veil of blood red.

I am ready with another curse word and amnesia playing with my sense of reality I give in. This is it the end. Where do I stand in life.

I was a cutter yesterday. Am a cutter today. And will remain a cutter tomorrow. What has changed , there is proof. An awful lot my watch gets ready to cover my bloody wrist and so am I, I place it on my wrist, I seem to have lost all sense of reality. I feel no pain and go back to my business of being the chirpy and cheerful girl who is always a little less, a little less then what it takes to be accepted. Her job is to leave no suspicions, and that is what she does. I was a cutter yesterday. Am a cutter today. And will remain a cutter tomorrow. What has changed.

Some days I feel an awful lot. Others days I don't.

I don't know what is worse, drowning beneath the waves or dying of thirst

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