Life behind the fame; A Conor Maynard fanfiction

Chapter 59

Alaska's POV

I never allowed myself to be sad or upset over my situation but lately that's all I'm able to be. Just crying pretty much all the time and when I'm not sad I just feel all empty. It literally feels like years since I was properly happy.

Yet I know why but I'm too scared to admit it, the whole thought of death giving me so much anxiety right now that I just can't stand it anymore.

Because I have decided my faith. The doctors and nurses telling me that my chances of survival was pretty much nonexistent at this point. All the medication is doing to me is making me more depressed and more sad for each day it's pumped into my body.

So I'd come to the conclusion that I'm stopping it. I'll let the cancer have its toll and we'll work out the rest from that.

From what I've been told should I have about a month to six months time left to live if treatments are stopped in the upcoming weeks and if I'm completely honest was it relieving to hear that.

But the only thing making me anxious is Conor. The thought of letting  him down after everything he's done for me the last few months is making me so doubtful. He doesn't deserve this, far from. What he deserves is a happy life with a girlfriend that is going to love him forever. Not someone who'll die as soon as the story starts to get interested. Let alone someone who just decides to give up halfway there because she's too depressed to continue fighting.

"Babe?"

I roll over to my tummy where I'm laying next to him in bed, his attention currently on the screen of his laptop.

Anth had come down a few days ago and they had gotten time to record both a cover and some original stuff.

"Mm"

He barely acknowledge me, his fingers moving across the keys with determination.

"Never mind"

I couldn't tell him yet, not now. He'd break and for once is he actually doing quite well with his depression.

Shooting me a quick smile does he reach his hand out to rest it on my back, his fingers drawing circular motions into my skin as he silently hums to a track that I don't recognise at all. Probably one of the original songs they'd worked on.

"You okay?"

Before I manage to put on my mask that I always wore when I was around him. And before you ask, no, it's not a physical mask. Have I broken down, tears streaming down my cheeks and he instantly places his laptop down on the floor, pulling me into a hug. 

"I'm fine"

He sighs, his lips lingering on my forehead as I cry silently into his t-shirt covered chest. I am far from fine but I just couldn't break it to him quite yet.

"No you're not, come on, I'm not stupid"

That was my ultimate breaking point. Because until now I'd been able to pretend, to act as if everything is fine and that I'm happy to be here, happy to have got given this chance. All this when all I really want to do is die.

"Allie I -"

He stops himself, resorting to silence when I don't say anything. I can't say anything, a the words just clumping into a large ball in the back of my throat, refusing to come out. Because the last thing I want is to hurt the one I love.

"Alright, how about we go for a walk. Does that sound good?"

I nod, my mind too tired to speak. Conor smiles, happy to have gotten at least some sort of answer out of me and carefully wipes away the stray tears that are left on my cheeks.