The Side Effects of Being Kira

Since the moment that I touched the death note I knew something in me had changed. I was cursed. When I killed those 2 criminals it was pretty clear I was becoming crazy. It wasn't as if I was a killer anyway, neither did I had feelings to kill in the past. It was all new to me, so I had no idea how to feel. I had nightmares every single day that would result on me developing insomnia, sometimes I would start talking nonsense or even start punching and breaking things at seemingly random instances. Eventually I managed to get the guilt out-of-the-way most of the time to focus on my main goal. Clean this rotten World and become the God of the new World. I wrote names in the death note non-stop day and night, as if it was the easiest thing in the World.

They're just criminals.

How many times did I repeat this to myself? You're right, every single day. It was just me trying to find an excuse, something that would get the guilt out the way. To make my job easier. To make killing simple. Indeed, repeating myself this every time I wrote a name made my job seem like a piece of cake, but what if you think behind it? They're just criminals but, they had a life. They had families, friends, a story to tell to the World. Maybe I judged them in the wrong way.

Maybe they deserved a second chance.

No, I would tell to myself. I couldn't get myself into those thoughts. They were criminals and punishment was death, nothing else. The moment I got this stuck in my head everything became simpler. I still had nightmares very often but it seemed I was more in control of myself. Now I could become the God of new World. Everything was perfect until L came into the picture.

Who are you?

He publically humiliated me. My anger and hate towards him grew in that moment. If he wanted a challenge I would give him one. Whenever I won the war I would kill him, to let him know I am justice! He was my perfect challenge. He gave me some fun, that it almost slipped out of my hands. Like killing the 12 FBI agents and Naomi Misora. The only thing I accomplished with that was raise suspicions against me. I may allow myself to say I underestimated him. I never thought the police or someone on Earth would become so close to catching me. The only person that could was him. L came with so many theories, and to my fortune I was allowed to keep track of them. Each one of them I was able to knock them out as if asking him, "what are you going to do now?" Still, when I proved his theories "wrong" he never doubted I was Kira. Even when I had the advantage of knowing the existence of reapers and the death note he knew I was Kira without a doubt. I can say, by fact, that without him the police would have no clue on what to do and probably would've given up easily.

Remember the day L got Misa arrested? I always knew something like that would happen. She was too stupid to play this game, but I never thought they would get to her so fast. Once again I underestimated him. That day the thought of defeat had crossed my mind, a drowning feeling, it felt like it was the end but, I blurred this out immediatly. The God of the new World couldn't give up. Especially since it was me. I created a perfect plan except it had a hole in it, L. I didn't know him well, I think no one actually did, but from what I knew is that he was unpredictable. He had no fear of confronting no one. He already had a suspicion in me and it seemed impossible to get rid of it. It was risking it or doing nothing.

A genious plan has formed in my mind.

I went to L and asked him to confine me. I knew just by looking at him that he knew it was all an act, but he couldn't say anything. It only passed a week until I gave up the ownership of the death note. From what I can remember, the second I forgot about the death note it felt as if I was someone new. I bet L thought this too. Being honest to you till the day of today still have no idea what was it that changed besides the fact that technically I wasn't Kira anymore. My attitude, my personality, something had changed, I just can't get what was it. The day my father pretended he was going to kill me is when you can clearly appreciate the change. L said that if I was Kira I wouldn't have hesitated to try something like killing my own father. He was right, not back then when I wasn't Kira, but now. I wouldn't hesitate to kill anyone if they try to interfere in my plans of becoming the God of the new World. Back then I had no plans on being the God of the new World so I didn't do anything. I just wonder

who is the 'real' me?

It may sound like a corny thing a teenager would ask themselves but, it's true. During the time I teamed up with L to catch Higuchi I was able to sleep deeply, no nightmares, no insomnia. It felt like I had more emotions to the point I felt I was starting to develop feelings for L. I fell for his mind first and later for himself. Being chained and together 24/7, literally, was the result. I could see every aspect in him. I got to know him better and fell in love for every little thing he did. I can remember there was a night were we almost got kiss each other. As I said before, it felt as I had more feelings then before. I even got go see Misa as a friend. Definitely something in me changed to see that annoying girl as a friend.

Time passed and we got to Higuchi. It was over. At least L and me thought that at the moment. Now that I think about it, we got him faster than what I initially speculated. I was sitting next to L when it happened. I can remember every detail from the scene. My father and Mogii seemed to be shocked for the apperance of a 'monster' right after toucing the notebook. L asked someone to bring it to him. Once he touched the notebook, he tried to hide his horror staying as calm as he could, pretty difficult for him I guess, after seing his reaction when he first heard the word 'shinigami'. He seemed a little chocked that I couldn't contain my curiosity and got the death note out his hands.

That was the breaking point.

All the memories came back all of sudden. I couldn't help but scream. It was all too difficult to process. At least one minute later I got to calm down a little bit. It seemed as if I had won already, but I still needed to write Higuchi's name. I took deep breathe I wrote his name. One, two, three, those forty seconds were the longest l of my life. After what it seemed like an eternity Higuchi collapse and died. I finally won. I needed to contain the laugh that was at my mouth. It was all perfect as I knew. Once again something in me changed. L still had suspicions against me but, they wouldn't be no problem if my plan worked as I wanted. The next day we headed back headquarters, we were informed that Kira attacked once again and we needed to discuss about the death note. Aisawa who joined the force once again, started reading the rules. I couldn't help but smirk as he finished reading the rules, the originals and the fake ones. No matter how you put not even L could talk against the supernatural.

I got unchained, even if L wanted or not. I was back to being Kira; I was back being the God of the new World. I remember the last seconds of L's life. He seemed, sad? L never showed emotions but that day he seemed to be talking more than what he often does. He told me he could hear the bells. Maybe he was becoming crazy because of this case. Because of me. He also told me we would be separated soon which was right at the end. I didn't know what he meant at the time though; he didn't know I had the plan of killing him. I guess he knew he was going to die that day after all he asked Watari to delete all the information about the case. I'll never know. L died in my lap and I laughed at it. I couldn't help it. I finally won. Now I could be the God of the new World.

Its been a year since L's death and I still can't hear the bells. I am outside at the top of a building, its raining just like a year ago. I can't help but wonder what had the death note done to me. I regained the nightmares, and the insomnia. I can deal with it, but I know I am not the same. I feel like the only thing I am able to feel is hate, and pride. I feel like I will never be able to feel once again. Being the God of the new World isn't easy but I guess these are just the side effects of being Kira.