Motions

Her eyes were locked with mine. She wore that wonderful half-smile, which always sat so beautifully upon her lips. My phone buzzed. The noise of my alarm started to play. I reached out and turned it off before it could play again, and when I tried to return to the dream, she had vanished.

I tried to open my eyes, but they stung. I was not ready to open them just yet. Dry from endless tears, I kept them shut. I didn't need to look at the time anyways. It had all blurred the night before. Maybe I slept. Maybe I didn't, but none of that mattered.

I flipped myself out of bed, standing to the best of my ability. My legs shook, but still I hobbled my way to the bathroom, not even caring to turn on any lights. I turned on the shower, flipping it to as hot as it would go. The steam quickly warmed the room, and so I undressed and lowered the temperature. It still hurt to open my eyes. I only did so when necessary. I didn't even care for what I was doing. It was more following the motions more than anything.

Clothes off, temperature down, left foot, right foot, head, body, turn around. Body wash, shampoo, rinse, conditioner, rinse again, try not to think about things. Fail. Cry. Fail. Fall to the ground and curl up. My eyes are already long dry.

I sat there, letting the water pour over me. Time didn't matter anymore. An eternity could have been a second, and a thousand eternities passed before I pulled myself up again. My arm plopped over the side of the tub and reached for my phone. I opened my eyes.

Nothing.

My heart sank. The pit inside me grew, and again I tried to cry. It was real. It was all real. It was real, but it couldn't be. It just couldn't be! It...couldn't....be.

I turned the screen off, and then back on. Still nothing. I flicked it off and on, off and on, hoping for a difference. For something. For anything. For some sort of sign that maybe everything had just been my imagination. Nothing ever changed. Reality faced me dead on, but I could not accept it. It was not real to me.

Finally, I climbed out of the tub and wrapped a towel around myself. I sat on the floor, curled against the wall. The actual time was getting close. I would have to leave soon, and even then, I could not get myself to move. My mind raced with a thousand thoughts, and yet, it was empty. It could only think of emptiness.

I was empty.

In my emptiness I stood and dried myself off. It was just the motions again. Left arm, right arm, left leg, right leg, torso, back. Underwear, pants, socks, shirt, hoodie, necklaces, glasses. I left the room and was in my car, driving. Empty. Though I knew where I went, I was unfocused. I had to focus. The light turned red, and so I stopped. I waited in my empty thoughts. The light was green, and so I drove. Eternities passed and I was stopped again.

I was at work now. I had time. Some, but time nonetheless. I turned my car off and closed my eyes. The sun was out, but the day was still not warm. The shadow of the building cooled my car, and sent me shivering. I focused on my breathing. One deep breath in. One deep breath out. Again. One deep breath in. One deep breath out.

My mind almost felt calm. Almost. It was starting to focus. It tried. It tried to focus on going into work and everything I would have to do. It was a simple job. Take the orders and relay them. Keep the place clean. Just like she showed me. Help out the guests. Just as she had showed me. Show kindness. As she had me. Just...as she...

My mind lost focus.

One deep breath in. One deep breath out. I stepped out of my car into the chilled morning air. I moved forward, one step at a time, until I reached the doors. They were unlocked. We weren't open yet. I pulled them open and stepped into the store I had first met her at.

I could still remember the day I walked in and saw her behind the counter. Her flowing hair. Her beautiful eyes. The smile she had penetrated my heart. I thought of the silence of my phone. The emptiness. The loneliness slowing beginning to encompass my very being!

I went through the motions. Left foot, right foot, behind the counter, left lane, to the office, backpack off, zipper open, apron out, hoodie off, shirt on, apron on...my boss walked in. I didn't say anything as I finished changing. He went and sat at the computer, and though he was silent, I could tell his eyes were on me.

"What's going on man?" he asked me. His words felt muffled, like I was treading through water. Nothing made sense, "Are you doing OK?"

I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't be. My mind was gone. He called my name and I shook my head no. I could feel myself on the verge of breaking down. One deep breath in. One deep breath out. One deep breath in...I couldn't.

I could hear my boss asking me something, but it was drowned by the sound of my own tears, finally flowing once again. I dropped to the ground and slouched against his desk. He got off the chair and sat down next to me. His hand on my shoulder, he pulled me to him and held me close. I tried to compose myself as best as I could, and I mustered the courage to speak. Through my tears, through the agony, the pain, the growing hole inside me, I spoke but two words to him.

Two words embedded into my mind. Two words I wish I could take back a thousand times over. Two words I will never forget. My phone would not ring. There would be no more messages. I would not walk into work and see her again. I would not go home to her smiling face. I would not have her in my life anymore.

I spoke. He listened.

"She died."