It's funny when you put life into perspective, sitting here on a desk, with my head placed sideways. When the world is sideways, for me, is just time to put the world into perspective. I'm sitting here, with all my friends, but I've never felt more alone in my life. The chatter of 200 people fills my ears and everything just feels too much. The white noise fills my head like poison.
My best friend is beside me, Rosie, but I don't think she really cares about me right now. My tears trickle down into my desk but of course nobody notices. I'm just little old me. I look at the clock. It's never moved slower, tick tock. Tick. Tock. This day is never ending. I don't seem to be myself in this moment, rather I seem to have left my body. I know the people around me don't really care. But it breaks my heart that my best friend doesn't.
When I look across the hall, I see a pair of eyes. I look away, scared. "Grace, want to come to movie night at Rosie's?" I knew I couldn't go. I have study classes, and anyway, I have work. But as sad as I should be that I can't sleep over at my best friends house while we all braid each others hair, I can't help but be more intrigued by that pair of eyes. Green, I think, but they could have been dark blue, they were far away.
I hear that fateful bell ring and I get up fast, so none of my friends notice I'm crying. I start to run to the gate where I slow my pace into a fast walk, as I am still anxious to be home. I walk by a happy couple holding hands and I can't help but feel desperate, somewhere deep down my heart starts to ache. My crush, Tom, will never notice me. And I know that nobody will love me, I'm desperate and clingy and all around just a fucked up person, but the only thing that keeps me going is my fairytale prospect of love. Sad, I know.
I approach my house, a red brick house covered in ivy, my black door makes the red of the bricks look rich compared to the pale blue Irish sky. I see my fire blazing through the bay window in the front. I open the door and am greeted by my little golden cocker spaniel, buttercup jumping up onto me. I laugh and stroke her silky fur, which almost looks as if it is made of woven thin gold strands, god I love her. I pick her up and carry her onto my bed, she lies down and I take out my acrylic paints.
My room is a mess, my clothes are scattered across the floor and my vinyl records are strewn in their dust covers across my whole desk. Hunky Dory by David Bowie is gathering dust on my record player, but it doesn't bother me, I love the imperfections all the particles of dust carve into the music. I have a canvas on an easel by my window, my window faces into my back garden. My dusty rose colored walls contrast with the bright colors of all of my artworks leaning against the walls.
I look at the other thing leaning against my wall, my mirror. God, I wish I was pretty. I have full strawberry blonde hair (and I know you are imagining some beautiful color, it's more of a dirty blonde), but my haircut is chin length and bad, I have grey eyes and a round face. Freckles cover my cheeks and nose like constellations, but I'm just under average in the looks department. All of my friends are beautiful, and have boyfriends who they say they love, but I know they don't. But I'm just a plain Jane who nobody thinks of when they leave my presence, and I hate myself for it. I'm not interesting or cool.
I lay on the bed with buttercup and sigh. I put Dear Evan Hansen on full blast and wait for the tears to come like they always do. And they don't disappoint. Shitty girl, shitty life, shitty brain. If I could wish for anything, it would be to be anyone but me, and I know I'm lucky to be me, I have a house and parents and go to school. But sometimes that doesn't help the influx of thoughts that rush through my mind every second.
A/N: Hi! I'm Cait! It's lovely to meet you all!!! Thanks for reading the short first chapter of my story, I hope it isn't too depressing. I wrote this from a personal experience, and the book will deal with mental health issues but also discovering yourself. I hope you enjoyed my prologue and stay tuned for more chapters in the future!!
