Chronically Different

Introduction

"Libby, do you think people are only meant to love one person for their whole lives?"

"I hope so. Are you asking if I believe in marriage again?"

My only friend, Libby. Well my only friend when I don't shut her out. She's been my friend since middle school, (I'm in year 2 of college now or supposed to be.) She's been there for me through all of the shit. Through the hospital admissions, failed boyfriends, first final breakdown, everything.. You name it and Libby has witnessed it.. If I allowed her to.

"Do you believe in soulmates?"

"Sure."

I sit and wonder why she answered the way she did; when she, herself, has been with the same guys since 8th grade.. If she didn't believe in it.. then I really shouldn't.. Right?

"What about Ben. You don't think he's your soulmate?"

"I want him to be... but who knows if he is.. And plus please be quiet I'm trying to watch this show that you got me into in the first place!"

I know the conversation is over, yet, my thoughts still wonder, my thoughts always wonder, consuming me.

Later that evening

"I better not stay for dinner. I have a big appointment tomorrow.." When the words leave my mouth I can see Libby tense up.

"Shit, I totally forgot. Do you think they'll keep you? If you need anything just let me know before I go back to school on Sunday." She hugged me.

"I think I'll be admitted if we're being honest. Coughed up some blood, some brown and green mucus all day. I have no energy." I said the words, almost rehearsed at this point, I saw her look of pity. I know she doesn't mean to do it, but everyone does. They pity sick people without even trying. I stood in her driveway for a minute and pictured her pulling out soon and heading back to college. I was so happy for her, but at the same time, every time we talked college, it's like I still felt I was in mourning over my "old life" my "college friends".

Text message:

To: Mom

Hey mom, are you going with me to my appointment tomorrow?

New Text Message

From Mom:

Don't feel very good, sorry.

I know I'm 21 years old, and I can handle going to a doctors appointment by myself. It just sucks. Especially when I already feel like a burden 100 percent of the time. I feel stupid for even asking. I begin thinking myself into a panic attack that I've had recurring now for a few weeks. It starts with me feeling like I'm a burden-- which I am. Then I think of just how miserable I am with my life. I had to quit school because I was stuck in the hospital right in the middle of the semester. I think of how I hate where I live. I think of how I work for my sister making minimum wage, only being able to work two days a week. I think of all the plans I had when I was healthy, and how everything has crumbled away. I think of how I'm trapped in this stupid town with no escape in sight. My breathing, which is already rapid, picks up pace. The tears begin to fall and I begin hyperventilating.