I get home from the music store and walk into my house. I say my house because it is short of a home. I wouldn't say that i hate coming home but.... I definitely don't like it. The only thing that keeps me from leaving is my sister Hailey. I could never leave her here alone. We both go through a lot of the same struggles at home which makes it a lot easier to deal with because you always have someone who understands.
I walk in to find my mom and little brother in the kitchen.
My mom was a pretty tall woman, also blonde like the rest of us. She has a kind looking face but it almost looks fake, as if she is always wearing a mask, hiding how she really feels. She is very different from my dad, who is large and muscular. To all of the outsiders he is the scary parent, but to me and Hailey he is far from it,
Maybe we are just dramatic, emotional teenagers who don't know the difference between a "teaching moment" and actual detrimental statements, but to us it felt like our mom was always trying to tear us down.
Don't eat that. Have your pants always fit like that? You should really try something else with your hair. You're rapidly gaining weight and it shows. You seriously need to get a handle on your appearance. And the best one of all, You are really making our family look bad looking like that.
It is a daily struggle that we both go through.
I say my greetings to my mom and my little brother Jayden, who is almost 4.
"Hi Zara." Jayden says to me, giggling.
"Hi Jay," i reply as i walk over to grab my backpack. Once i have it I run upstairs before my mom can say anything to me.
All i want to do is run away. To go and make music for the rest of my life. I just don't want to be at home anymore. My mothers comments hit deep for me especially. I try really hard not to let them bother me but when your own mother comments about how bad you look all the time it really stings.
I have started eating less. The numbers have gone down but every time i look in the mirror it gets worse. I see myself getting bigger and bigger but the scale says I'm getting smaller and smaller. It's very discouraging.
I look over the lineup for an upcoming festival I'm going to in hopes of getting my mind off of my self-image. It's the annual Electric Forest festival that's held in Rothbury, MI in an actual forest. I haven't gone before but i have always wanted to. My parents finally, somehow, are letting me go. After tons of persuasion, I'm going with two of my friends, Sadie and Veronica. We will go for 3 days out of the 8 that the festival is held for.
The festival is in 2 days and I'm pumped. I walk over to my closet and review my outfits for the hundredth time. I still have to get a few last minute pieces but I'm in love with all of them. I have a whole assortment of fringe, sequin, beads, feathers and leather.
BZZ! My phone vibrates on my desk. I was over to it and see a notification from Sadie to a group message i have with both the girls.
sadie: do you guys want to go get some dinner and talk about the last minute details of the festival??
Great. Dinner.
veronica: Yeah! That sounds like a great idea!
I guess I'm going then.
We decide on a time and place and i reluctantly drive over there after hurrying out the door yelling, "Bye I'm going with Sadie and Veronica!!" I am not too excited to hang out with them but i also don't want to be home so what can you do. Don't get me wrong i love Sadie and Ron but recently I've felt lots of tension.
When i arrive at the decided location, In n' Out for whatever reason, i park next to Sadie and Veronica who are already there. We go in, order, and sit down.
"Who do you guys want to see??" Ron asks.
"Maybe Lil Dicky, Odesza, i heard Tyler the Creator might be there too!" Sadie replied.
"Idk about you all but I'm excited for the possibility that Van Halen will be there" I beam, excited.
Sadie gives me a weird look, "yeah.."
Ugh, i thought. I hate when she does this. She's constantly music shaming everyone, especially me.
"I'll go see them by myself if i have to" I roll my eyes toward Sadie.
"Yeah you'll probably have to" she replies bluntly.
ALRIGHT THEN. That's exactly what I'll do!
