Why I hate Chesney Brown

Introduction (part two)

Chesney Brown first appeared in Coronation Street as a child on the 10th November 2003. Because I only really started to properly watch around 2010, and even my knowledge of that time is pretty sketchy, I will mainly be referring to more modern events in this review/rant/fanfic/waste-of-precious-time. However, just for some context, Chesney is the son of Cilla Battersby-Brown and the devil (he isn't but we're going with it), and the half-sibling of Billy Brown and Fiz Stape. He had a bit of a rough childhood (as does literally everyone on this show) mainly due to his mum being a right unpleasant piece of sausage roll ( I'm not good at metaphors, okay!) and his dad being completely absent from his life, which is unsurprising, considering he would have been largely preoccupied with chewing on the souls of the dammed like gum. Because I don't want to bore you both with boring exposition (I wrote "bore" twice for some reason), I'll give you a link to a wiki page about his life for anyone moronic enough to be interested. Like I was.

http://coronationstreet.wikia.com/wiki/Chesney_Brown

All you really need to know is that his sister Fiz is still in the show and Chesney is now the manager of the Kebab shop or something. As for his mum, she's dead (I think), and his dads still munching on Judas and Brutus ("Ah, references to Dante's Inferno. That'll convince people that I'm smart and definitely isn't out of place or unnecessary in the context of this story!").

When I started doing research for this, instead of homework, I noticed that the common consensus on Chesney among people who watch the show is that he's just a sweet, baby-faced young lad. He's not the most macho bloke in the show, neither is he the most successful with the ladies, but his cheerful smile and gentle demeanour prove that it isn't the size of your muscle that matters (not a euphemism, I swear), but the size of your heart. Aww!

Except Chesney doesn't have a heart. He has a great, gaping hole where a heart should have been, but has instead been filled up with self-pity, narcissistic tendencies, and borderline psychotic behaviour. Yet I seem to be the only one to see this!

"Chesney Brown doesn't have a sinister bone in his body" is an actual quote from the Metro, although even they admit that the writers went way too far on one occasion, but we'll get to that in another chapter. Most articles about Coronation Street that mention Chesney Brown are either in the context of him being the possible victim of some violent act in a future storyline or about how he deserves a bit of happiness in the romance department. No he doesn't! He deserves every bit of pain that boomerangs back at him! This is not a man any heterosexual woman should aspire to be exchanging vows with! He is a manipulative, emotionally unstable, poorly written, poorly acted, sorry excuse of a pile of pelican droppings!!

But why, you ask. Why do you hate him so?

Good question.

Come with me...

***

I hope you two enjoyed this over a thousand word introduction (that came in TWO PARTS no less). I hope you were able to extract a molecule of enjoyment out of this long awaited follow up. Again, I mean no offense, this is just my highly exaggerated opinion. I will soon start work on the main body of this funfest, so until next time. Chin chin!