The Aftermath // A Remus Lupin Oneshot

this just hurts

Remus wanted to - he really wanted to. He wanted to help this kid who looked so much like his best friend. He wanted to defeat the man who ruined everything for him. He wanted to take revenge for what has happened almost two decades ago. And yet - he couldn't. His best friend's face has told he shouldn't. Shouldn't run away from a woman whose life was ruined, thanks to him. Shouldn't live his last months to avenge the best people be ever met. And that ruined him.

He knew Harry had a point. He knew these words were justified, but why did they hurt so much? Why did it hurt to see James' son telling him how his friends wouldn't want this? How Sirius wouldn't want this? How Sirius' death was led to by such behavior? How messed up his plan was? No, the plan wasn't - his life was.

His life has been a mess since he had been bitten. And it gradually became worse.

Still fuming about Harry's words, he disapparated without much thinking of a place - it ended up to be a busy road in London. Right under his feet was a bronze plate, to remember those who in a tragic accident sixteen years ago.

Great. Just bloody great. This was the street where Sirius attacked Peter. Remus could barely hold back his tears. Why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt so much to think of the people who gave him unconditional love?

He disapparated again.

This time it was a small café. James and Lily had told them about the pregnancy here. Things were good back then. They knew the war was coming, but they still had the easiness of youngsters and pranksters. They were so beautiful back then. Beautiful because they laughed through the pain. Beautiful because they James and Lily couldn't stop smiling. Beautiful because Peter hadn't betrayed them yet. Beautiful because full moon was two weeks away and Remus felt light. Beautiful because Sirius found some old vinyls in Mr. Potters cellar and couldn't stop talking about them. Beautiful because after all the eggnogs, Sirius became cuddly and thanked Remus for having sweaters so big, he could hide in them.

This time, Remus let the tears escape.

And they didn't stop for a while.

As nightfall began, Remus apparated again, but with a place in mind.

His vision cleared and let him see something he has wished to never see again. Now, he was happy to see it.

Stepping closer to the veil, he swished his wand. Some paper and a quill appeared. Only a few words and they disappeared.

The veil shone slightly and illuminated his face. The tears let it sparkle.

"Remus, hey Rem, what are you doing?"

Sirius' voice was as delightful as it was back in Hogwarts.

"Hey Moons, would you kindly calm down? I know we haven't seen each other for a while, but there's no need to rush that much. You're going to trip or something."

Remus remembered that conversation. It took place on the first of September after their second year. Full moon was just over and Remus still hurt all over, but seeing Sirius on the platform had lifted his spirits immensely. Present Remus was now on his knees , crying his soul out and shaking. He cried for his dead friends, he cried for Tonks, for the baby, for everyone in this war, for everyone in the last one, but mostly he cried for himself. He cried because he felt all alone. He cried because Harry, who looked so much like James, told him he didn't want him. And still crying, Tonks found him at the foot of the veil and she hugged him until he fell asleep. She hugged him as he woke up at her mother's house and she hugged him as they died. Because she knew he was never fully hers, she knew he didn't want to share his burdens and she cried, for him, when he couldn't cry no more. Till the very end, she was there for him.