The Darkening

Journal 1

12 January 2017

We fought...first actual fight this year. Your grandmother is supposedly sick. There are two sides to me: one hoping she is okay and another who doesn't believe this anymore. All of your lies are getting to me. We are a couple of weeks away from our two-year mark. It's almost been two years of taking these lies. I'm really stupid huh? I'm so easily fooled. Maybe that's why you want your life so private. Maybe that's why after two years...you still can hardly send pictures or even facetime. We made a pact at the beginning of the year to forget all, everything and start new. I have to say it's been pretty great, but I won't ever forget that I can't see you as much as you demand to see me. Not in person. Not in facetimes. Not in personalized pictures.

I hate to keep repeating it, but I have given you everything. I have and you can't say I haven't. I..I even gave myself to your father.... So he wouldn't hurt you...he hurt me instead....why am I still here Seth?! I'm lying to my friends. To my family. To my brother...for you. It's not worth it. I know it isn't. Still, my stupid heart comes crawling to you. Love is so stupid..so stupid. So not real. What I said to my friends in the car was what I feel: love doesn't exist. I believe in friendship love. I believe in the love for family too, but how do you really fall for a complete stranger...am I really in love with you? No...I can't be. This is something else. I'm just used to the company. To the late-night talks. Someone to actually call me beautiful.... That's what it is. I'm addicted to those compliments. I'm so used to a routine and it's hard to get out of.  Studies show that you can get used to a habit for 3 days, but it takes about 120 days to break it. You're just a habit Seth. That's all you are at this point.

A habit I have to break.