My progression And Realizations

January 14th 2019. The A.M.

I woke up at 6, My stomach was hurting but that was nothing unusual and I had been irritable for the past couple days. Like bricks on my heart and I couldnt figure out why. I called my boyfriend and we video chatted and played grand theft auto. That bad mood didnt go away and I felt like I was on the edge of tears the entire time we were playing. I told him I was going to make breakfast and went down the stairs, let out out the dogs, and got out everything to make breakfast. When ever I actually began to make eggs and sausage I realized that I wasn't missing eating I was realizing that I am stuck in my current position forever. I was told for years that it would get better and now all the sudden it never will. My grandmother always used to tell me that I will get fixed and looking down at the food in the Pan and knowing did I can't finish it no matter how much I want to I can't eat 2 eggs and 5 pieces of sausage anymore. I went from mountains of food and being hungry an hour later to really eating a couple pieces of candy A-day. And that's it. And the only way for me to get fixed was for me to eat and that was my hope. Gaining weight making it through this and my grandma and grandpa who I call my mom and dad have always given me that hope And now it just seems like it's being stripped away. All those hopes that I was raised up to one in the dream of I feel like most of them are going or just completely unachievable no matter how much I want them everything in my path is indestructible.  And I realize now is it the fact that I'm not going to get better is what's weighing down on my heart the most. I don't wanna be a burden to my family by making them take care of me even as an adult. Don't wanna be a burden to my friends it hurts to go out and eat anymore. So I'm not really that fun to be around unless I'm at home or at their house and I can't eat anything there.  Or else I'll get sick. I don't wanna be a burden of my boyfriend I don't want him to have to take care of me all the time and I don't want him to get overwhelmed and leave. After I was done crying in the kitchen and Cooking. A wipe my eyes and went back upstairs and got off grand theft auto. I watched an episode of Law and order special victims  Unit. And then my boyfriend got ready to leave and go get his haircut. As soon as he was gone and the phone hung up I grab my headphones. Put them in and start listening to black bear's song called IDFC. And I go to that corresponding playlist lay down at around 9 and  Fall asleep crying. When I woke backup the realized that I had been crying in my sleep but I still felt better. It's weird the depressing music is out there and it makes you cry but at the same time after you cry you have a tendency to feel better about your current situation and it's  comforting to know that you're not the only one going through things that you cant entirely explain. I love my family I love my friends the people who I hang around with all the time my parents people may get on my nerves but that doesn't mean that I don't care. After I'm worried about my dad to the haven't seen him in 2 weeks hes been in  The hospital a couple towns away he has ALS and they've been getting his stuff done and treating him and changing out his appointment I'm happy hes coming home tomorrow. Having more people at the house is a help on my mental state I think because I'm a social  Person. The thoughts here a private but their open if you really wanna read in this is stuff that's probably going to be shared in my next therapy appointment.