KNBaes Scenarios And Oneshots💙💖💗💞 [Hiatus/Completed]

Do Not Read If Triggered

Alright so I know I took a break from writing for a while 😅. I'm really sorry about that. It's so hard telling why I haven't been on. If you're easily triggered or upset by some things, DO NOT READ. I don't want to make anyone upset or overly concerned to the point where they think something is wrong with me. This is all true. No fake shit. A lot of this is personal. I'm surprised I'm even telling you guys this.

First off I think I have depression. That's just it. I probably have it but I'm not diagnosed because obviously no one thinks anything is wrong with me. My bff thinks I have it too, but I dunno. (I'm in a good-ish mood rn so I'm calm). And well I'm suicidal. Yes you heard it right. For the past few days I've been fine. I've been happy and calm, and making my friends laugh. And they've made me happy/laugh too. But beforehand it was really bad. Sometimes I would just imagine myself gone. Away from everyone or just dead. No I'm not saying this for attention because I know a lot of people think this is what it is. It's not dammit! I've been like this since 8th grade practically. Days where I felt like no one understood me and would be happier if I was gone. I did try to cut myself with pencils (odd right?) but chickened out. I told my uncle and he was worried, even told me I am worth something. Which I guess is true. My aunt knows how it is for me. I told her everything and she was so scared for me and even told me to tell my parents. I did, and my mom freaked out and was really worried. My dad...I don't really remember but I think he was concerned. But that didn't matter because when I was like this again, my parents just said I am spoiled and I have no reason too. My grandma knows but she's religious and says it's a sin or some crap. Now I just don't say anything to my family about it anymore. My friends know but when I told them at school, they just was like "oh...I'm sorry. It'll get better" or some bullshit like that. I felt like they just brushed me off and didn't really care. Or want to know. My bffs know tho. One of them has depression (yes she's diagnosed) and understands everything. My other bff knows and was really concerned and wanted me to call the number. But I didn't want to. So oh well. Some days I just wanna die or not be here anymore. I'm not gonna lie. It sounds great to me sometimes. But I read something that said "It's not that you wanna die. It's that you don't wanna feel the pain anymore without killing yourself." So true.

Nowadays, I'm fine. Happy even. My sisters cheer me up nowadays so that's really good. But I know deep down it's gonna come back. I have anxiety too. One time I had anxiety attacks to where I felt like I couldn't breathe and my heart felt like it stopped. I was really scared but got over it. But I had an incident over winter break that sorta freaked me out. As you know I can drive now. (I have a permit). Me, my mom, and sister went to In-N-Out during the second week of winter break. And I was standing there, waiting for the food. And then I just felt really dizzy and like I was gonna pass out. I got really scared because I thought I was gonna throw up in public and black out maybe. I told my mom that she should drive and I don't feel good. So I was in the car and thought about it. I practically didn't sleep for maybe 5 days in a row. I was up LATE doing a project. So I was like "Ohh that's why." But knowing me, I went RIGHT back into that habit.

School pressure. It's a sad thing really. Growing up I always got good grades and always got nervous if I got lower. Even now, if I get a B, I feel pressured to get an A. I'm like that smart girl of my family so it's a lot of pressure. (I'm gonna get a tutor for math so yay). But now, it's like homework is my life. I feel like I can't do anything, unless it gets done. And I rant and complain about homework, but at the end of the day I do it. My mental health gets fucked up over it. But teachers don't understand. They just give give give homework until you feel like you can't do it anymore. There have been nights where I just sit there doing homework and feel so tired and sick of it. If I don't get it done, I get really nervous for some reason. Even when I'm not doing homework, I don't do as much fun stuff as I want to. That's how much homework has become a part of my life. I feel like nothing I guess. Even during finals week, I was in such a bad mood and stressed to the point where I pushed everyone away. I get like that a lot. When I'm depressed, down, or whatever, I tend to have everyone get away from me, or not talk to anyone. I did talk to this guy in an engineering class and he said "Time with family and friends is more important than homework. Especially when it affects your health." And that hit me hard because my health isn't so good. Mentally I mean.