The Journals; sequel to deep breath - G.D

Here We Go Again

I was sitting on a plane, hyperventilating and sipping on watered down ginger ale. I was trying to focus on some book that meant nothing, trying to look intellectual to the hot guy sitting across from me. Whatever, I vowed a year and a half ago that I was done with guys...so you're a lesbian now? Hmm. No, I am not a lesbian. I was just not going through anything like that ever again. The hot guy who I named "hot guy numero 69," because I was a mature twenty-year-old, looked at me. Yup, not a teenager anymore I can't blame my immaturity and sexual jokes on my young age. I was three months from being 21, about to enter my last year of college.

"Would you like something, ma'am?" I jumped. I looked at the flight attendant like she had four heads. That's good. Act suspicious on a plane. That's exactly what YOU of all people should do.

"No thank you." Hmm, they're all up your ass in first class. Ethan spares no expense for his BFFFFF. And Emma probably made him...She and I became very close over the past year. I even helped her plan the wedding that I was now on a plane to attend. I was still extremely good friends with everyone, except one. They visited me in New York, and I visited them in Los Angeles. When I was there, he didn't know. When he was in New York, I didn't know. I deleted my Tumblr, and unfollowed him on Twitter. I didn't want any reminder of him and he obviously didn't want any reminder of me. We hadn't talked since that night. Absolutely no interaction. I was thinking about faking my own sickness...or death, so I wouldn't have to come but they were two of my best friends getting married and I couldn't miss that.

So I guess the biggest question would be, "Are you still in love with him?" And I guess the answer would be, "not anymore." I'm still in love with the memories, but at that point I had suppressed most of them. From what Ethan told me, like the gossiping queen bitch he is, he goes out a lot, drinks a lot, has lots of sex, but hasn't had a girlfriend since. When I say "he" I don't mean Ethan, I mean...him. I avoided saying his name at all costs because I knew if I just heard his name, I would start to fall into it all over again.

That tiny little fact scared the shit out of me considering I would actually have to see him in only a few hours; for the first time in almost two years (well a year and 5 months but 2 years sounds more dramatic so whatever). I even stopped watching their videos...it got tons point where I just couldn't hear his voice without breaking down in the middle of class, or Central Park, or an intersection. It didn't help that Bryant's IGTV series was basically a compilation of he and I's fondest memories captured and plastered over the internet.

So yeah, here I am on a plane flying half way across the country, Marky Mark packed safely in my carry on enjoying the wonders of first class. I gave back Napoleon, and the purse, and the necklace. It didn't feel right having them and it reminded me of him. Apparently he never took them back and they're all sitting in Ethan and Emma's house somewhere probably covered in mustard and breadcrumbs. 

"Good afternoon," said the captain, "we are scheduled to land in about twenty more minutes. It's a beautiful day, about 20 degrees [Celsius] and the local time is about 9:17am." He went off the intercom and the seatbelt sign went on. As the plane began to descend my heart started to pound and it became more and more difficult to breathe. Bring out the emergency peanut M&Ms. I took them out of my bag and ate them like it was the last source of food for miles. Twenty minutes of sweating and the wheels of the plane hit the ground, shaking the entire thing. "Welcome to Los Angeles." Those three words made me want to shit myself harder than I have ever wanted to shit before. You're a master with words.

"Good afternoon," the man behind the desk said as I approached. I handed him my papers and waited patiently, tapping my fingers on the table and biting the nails on my other hand. He looked up suspiciously and looked back down. His bald head shone with authority. "And what is your purpose of visiting?"