The part of my mine

The side of my mine I don't like

    I've had these feelings that I'd like to get off my chest. These "feelings" are bottled up and they hurt when I try to express them to others in fear for they won't understand. My heart aches when I think about how something I planned so hard on falls apart and it has an unlisted backlash that I didn't account for. When I plan something and tell the plans to someone I've had the experience of them planning something on the same day then canceling it last minute. This hurts me because I trusted the person to keep that day closed for when I ask more than a month in advance. Another thing that hurts me is when I'm ignored or even purposely ignored with no reason or no reference on what I had done or if I had done anything. This pains me to be who I am who's emotionally broken and can't even tell his own emotions because of them because bottled up or represented to feel "fine" to a certain extent. Just as I express my emotions in my head I could cry and even if my plans fail and it makes sense on how it would work but others mind buds in to ruin it makes me cry because I don't know why they would do that especially if I'm their friend or family. My mind is mentally broken but I'm able to see through people's emotions and help them but I wish someone can help me but me and knowing that I can help myself no matter what. The distant thought haunts me to think that one day I won't be able to help me and no one will be around when I finally ask for help. The realization that my friend has been through ten times as worse things as me and is stable pains me even more because there is a certain few things that keep him together but I fear that if they break he will also be a broken man and it pains me to know how that'll feel to be a broken man who's lost all they could lose as they continue to go on to build themselves back up from the ground. I never knew why I've became this way but I never knew why I've been put in situations where I have the right way but no one lets me show that it's the right way. I've had my beliefs in religion but as that went on I noticed that I am selfish but am still broken and not knowing how that works I felt to do less and less so I can't do any wrong but I'm exchange I can't do any right. These feelings are in the back of my mind and I don't like them and even that feeling of disgust is all to broken to even know how to feel.