Sometimes, a hug is all you need. And this, this was a perfect one. The one where you seem to melt into each other. You close your eyes and the noise in the room stops, you lose track of where your body stops and theirs begins. You feel safe and comfortable like in a perfect dream. You have no worries, no fears, just a calm feeling. No matter how tight or loose the hug is it doesn’t matter, because it is the feeling that it gives you.
It feels like we stand there for hours. Cuddled up, not saying anything, but enjoying the silence and each other’s company. It felt like it bond our souls together. I opened my eyes when I felt that he let go. He grabbed my hands and whispered that he was going to get my suitcase. He let go of me and walked upstairs, leaving me there in my own thoughts. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I sighed and looked at a picture of my parents. They seemed so happy. It was taken on our holiday to Spain. My mom wore a beautiful black maxi dress, with her blonde hair loosely pinned up and a bit of make-up to make her eyes even more beautiful than they already were. My dad wore a black and white colour blocked button-down shirt and black jeans. I adored this picture so much. The sparkle in their eyes, their smiles….
I blew out the candle that I burned when we got home. The smell of the extinguished candle scattered throughout the living room. I took a look around and decided to put on my coat, so we could leave immediately. I wanted to visit Grace and spend the day with her and Ross, grieving about my parents. Today was actually the day where she would get her first chemo therapy, but when I told them that this was a day full of grief, the doctors decided to do it tomorrow.
Getting into Ross’ car was something I was used to now. He’d walk me to my side, open the door for me, close it when I sat down, start the car when he got in and sing along with songs on the radio.
Once in the hospital, I automatically walk in the right direction. The hospital is now so familiar that I don’t have to think about routes or departments. On the way upstairs I look for familiar faces. Nurses, doctors, or just acquaintances from the city who also happen to be there. But, the only familiar face is the one standing right beside me. In such a short time, he became such a good friend. I can feel that this is the person that will always get my back, no matter what. And I can feel that he knows, that I know that.
Every time I walk into the department where my dear sister is staying, I feel afraid. Fear that the doctor won’t get the disease under control. Fear of her feeling pain, having physical deterioration and maybe even death. Fear of her losing control or going crazy. Fear of having to say farewell to the only family member that cares about me. But that’s not the only thing I feel. I feel, a sense of powerlessness, because you would like to do more than you can and you have to wait and see if any treatment will work. And also, because you can’t change what happened.
I walk up to room number 12, the room where Grace is. I hesitate for a moment, but then I open the door and walk to my little sister, Ross behind me. She’s asleep. She breathes slowly, a light smile on her face and her hands resting on her chest. I sit down on the chair next to her, Ross copying me by taking a seat on the couch.
Hours passed, us saying nothing, watching the little girl sleep. “Hey.” Ross whispers. “Sit next to me, please?” I look him in the eyes and hold contact for a bit, when I get up and slowly walk to the place he was sitting. I took some distance while sitting down. He didn’t agree with that. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to him. We watched some programme that was on the little television in her room. One thing that I was happy about, was that I didn’t feel awkward or nervous around him anymore. I learned to be myself. My head rested on his shoulder, as I was waiting for my little sister to wake up.
Suddenly, the doctor walks in, a worried look on his face. “Avery, I know we’ve discussed this, but I can’t wait anymore. She needs the treatment right now. Things are worse than I expected it to be.”
My ears start whizzing and I have trouble breathing. I can’t believe what he just told me. She’s not ready. I’m not ready. We didn’t even talk about our parents today.
“Do you want to be there, when she gets her chemo therapy?” He asks me. I can’t speak. I’m trying to say yes, but I can’t. There’s no sound coming out of my mouth. “Yes, we want to be there.” I hear a warm voice say. “I’m sorry, only family sir.” “I am in fact family, doctor, and I’d like to be there for Grace.” “This is not a usual thing, sir, but I’ll approve it for today. Now, if you could please leave the room for 15 minutes, we’re going to get her ready for the treatment.”
What. Is. Happening.
The first shot ... and a thick plastic tube which is inserted into my arm doesn’t work. There immediately appears a lump as they watch if it works, by using saline. They need to do it again. I need to get my arm under the hot tap, which makes my veins swell. That's right, because that happens in the summer when it's hot outside.
Again that miserable needle prick ... She prefers the bottom of the arm because that is the least sensitive spot for infusions. But to me it is put in the middle of my right hand and that hurts a little. But I stay strong. Not only for my sister, but also for one of the best singers and actors in the world.
From this whole hospital thing, I’m probably the most scared for chemotherapy. That crap substance in your body, feeling sick and losing your hair! The doctor told me that, for now, it’s unfortunately still the best way to ensure that the risk of cancer recurrence is small.
One thing I hated the most, was undergoing a bone marrow biopsy (incl. removing a bone fragment). This means that fluid from my hip bone and a piece of bone marrow was aspirated from my body. At first, this was a local anaesthetic. Unfortunately, you can’t stun bot and you will always feel the pain. First, a tube of marrow got sucked from my hipbone four times. This was more than just an unpleasant feeling. It was a migratory pain that went through my whole (top) leg. After this a piece of bone was drilled away two more times.
Avery and Ross were with me the whole time. I knew they were scared, and that’s why I had to be strong. I wanted to get better and I’d do anything to get out of this hospital. I do every test with a smile, so they know I will stay strong. My arms are therefore as blue as those from a junkie and every time I have to be pinned, a needle goes through my bruises. I promise, mom and dad, I’ll survive this.
