|The Book of All Things|

The First Step

~~~~

Yes, it happened. This book is something I've been thinking of doing for awhile now.

I never thought I would want to write or type a thing about what I am feeling, thinking, or anything.

Because...

I was afraid to say anything. To anyone or anything.

Not alot of people in my life would want to listen. To hear me out.

So, this is me. Taking the first step of opening up to you all.

°°°

I'm used to not speaking out. Not use to say anything what I'm feeling or thinking.

And..

Too afraid to show or share anything with anyone. Alot of people would tell me "it will pass" or something similar to that. I can't even tell my love ones or my family members .

Not even my best friend, who I known since I moved to this town.. Let's call it.

S-Village.

But that's for another day to tell. So don't hold your breath. Haha Please, I don't want you passing out on me while reading this now. ^-^

°°°

So anyways, I thought to myself. Maybe this is good for me. I don't want to cry infront of strangers in public or even my family. Yes, that did happen when I bottle up my feels too long. I burst in tears...

Idk how many times. It's embarrassing in my opinion.

Or

Have to schedule an appointment at the hospital, just to talk about what I'm feeling and stuff, it's uncomfortable but it kinda helps. Just not fully.

Too afraid to tell the truth to main people that needs to hear those things from me. (yes I'm a coward ;~; *sniffles*). Because It's always ends the same when I do tell.

"I understand what you're going through."

".... Oh?"

"oh wow.. It sounds like you went through alot in your life."

Yes yes, I know that... but I just get a feeling that they just have to say those things to me, not knowing what else to say or something new. It gets tiring hearing them over and over and over again.

Sometimes, it hurts. Other times, not so much. But times when I just need someone to listen and/or tell me.

"it's gonna be fine/alright"

"Don't worry so much"

"you're strong and beautiful"

"You got this, you are not alone"

The most one of all. Out of my family members.. I wanted to hear from them is...

"I love you"

That is all I wanted to hear from them.

But. No.

Its always ends with them teasing, poke at my buttons till I snap or crack a glass of my feelings I put up. But don't get me wrong, I can joke or handle being teased but there's a limit.

That's when it started where I can't hold it in from the tough teasing, my grandma or mother telling me:

"it's not nice"

"your just jealous of him/her"

"Don't be so mean to them"

Or worst:

"why can't you be like her"

I wished I learned to take those "tough love" a long time ago. Just maybe. I wouldn't be so scared to speak up.

°°°

So now, that is why I think.

Maybe this book will be good for me or/and others too.

Your not alone. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are strong to face this life. Be yourself and don't be afraid, don't hold back or hide in your shell. You are loved.

This is me, a new book of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe other things I might like to share with you guys.

Taking the first step of being honest on how I feel and not keep negative inside.

No more crying to myself.

And...

No more bottling up my feelings.