***Inspired by @loveinfinity :D
If left out floating in the sea, between eaten by a shark or drowned deep down, what would you choose? Decisions. They make me sick. They just do.
I've made decisions in my life, more than I could think of. Based on my personal opinion, some were right and, some were slight right. Some were actually wrong. And yes, regret has been part of my life ever since I can remember. Regrets of having bad decisions - bad decisions that introduced real pain and real tears to me. Why real? Having a boo-boo on my knee was painful, it brought me to tears, but it wasn't real. It wasn't real for the fact that it was from the outside. Real pain? Real tears? It came from the inside. The inside of my naked and sensitive being.
Yes, I've cried. I've cried over my decisions a lot of times. If only I could've summed all the tears up, maybe it's enough to drain my whole body just in a day. Seriously. But the better part of crying over those wanted, unwanted and not-so-wanted decisions is that I've let it all out. I'm not afraid to cry when I'm hurt. Crying gives me that kind of relief as if I am floating on a cloud, listening to sad song - but surrounded by angels. Actually I would've just said that I feel HIGH, but that would lead to another subject. So, naaaah.
*Sigh*. See, even writing this work tests my decision-making skill. Anyway, here it goes. Another decision again. I'm facing a situation wherein whatever step I'll take, I'll still get hurt. Or worst, someone'll get hurt. Sometimes I just wish I could just pop out of nowhere, leave myself and my problems for a while and just be dancing, singing and smiling for no reason - no, maybe for A reason, for A person...
And yes again, I am torn. I am torn between decisions I wish I don't have to face. If I would rate myself in making decisions, I would say 5/10. Always in between. Not close to1, neither to 10. It would surprise me if I make a decision without any flaw, but that would be impossible. Yes, I know that decisions are never perfect. If it is perfect for someone, it's not for another. The real thing that makes deciding much harder and painful are the CRITICS. The people around you. The people involved, and the people who just make theirselves involved even if they really aren't. Sometimes, they are hard to please. But no, they are ALWAYS hard to please. So I always try to remember this: Why would I let them interfere with my decisions? I have my own mind. Yes, I do need some pieces of advice sometimes. Just pieces of advice. I consider some, but not those so called dictated-decisions. This is my life, I control it. And as my favorite poem goes, "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." (Invictus, William Ernest Henley, 1875)
But what really makes a good decision is having the logic of doing it for the best of all and not for the good of one. It's about balancing the both decisions - What is better? What can give advantage to both? Would there be any pain?Of course, but, will it be for the best? That's how I make decisions. It's hard. It really is. But I just have to do it, no matter how sick it gets me just by deciding. And now, I come up to something I think is for the best. It hurts. It really does. But maybe someday they'll be able to understand why. They, the critics.
Up to now I hold my decision to be final. Final. And a lot of times I could just hear myself say, "Ssshh. You are the master of your fate. You are the captain of your soul."
