Angel On Fire

1.

I woke up, covered in cold sweat, tears running down my face, a scream caught in the back of my throat. The piercing green numbers 3:04 am were the first things my eyes saw, it took a second for them to adjust. And it took my brain almost 2 to process what had caused it so much distress. I sat up, flipping on the light beside the bed I was in. This was an almost every night occurrence, waking up like this. I had always had nightmares as a child, of the typical kid shit. But these nightmares were unfortunately, stemmed from one of the darkest days of my life. I reached for a cigarette off of my night table, lighting it and taking in the way the smoke billowed from the end of the glowing red stem. It was almost soothing, in a way. I inhaled deeply, feeling the nicotine spread throughout my body, almost instantly calming me. Cigarettes used to disgust me. Not because of the threat of cancer, but because my father used to chain smoke them, while he drank himself into oblivion. The smoke used to fill our tiny house, which my mama always hated but she knew better than to say something to him. We all did. But as I got older, and started to rebel, I started to welcome them.

My thoughts were interrupted by my aunt slowly walking into my room. Great, I thought, I woke her up. I watched her come to the end of my bed and sit, fixing her brown eyes on my face, with worry masking hers.
"Are you alright, kitten?" Eva said, I dropped the cigarette into a half full bottle of water that was on my floor, trying to avoid eye contact with her. It was painful to look at her, she looked so much like Mama, which made repressed memories and emotions flood back to me. And i didn't want that.
"I'm fine. Just can't sleep" I lied, but she knew better. After my mother & sisters died, I came to live with her younger sister, Eva & my Mimi, who was my maternal grandmother. They took me, because whilst I had other family, they were the only ones who wanted me. My sperm donor's side of the family were too ashamed to even face me, let alone take me in. I don't blame them. They're related to a fucking monster. But then again so am I. And I'm reminded of that every time I look in the fucking mirror, when I see him in my own reflection. His eyes, his features..
"How bad was this one?" Eva said, moving closer to me and putting her hand over mine.
"No idea what you're talking about." I said, twiddling with my lighter. I tried so hard to keep the emotion out of my voice, but if she kept prying, then soon enough the dam was going to burst.
"Luciana, it's okay to-" I cut her off there. Anger & humiliation flared through me, spreading like wildfire. I felt my cheeks heat and my hands started to shake.
"I'm fine. I'm fucking fine. I just couldn't sleep. But I'd like to try so if you could leave me be, that'd be great." I spat. I saw a look that I couldn't quite recognize cross her face, I expected her to argue but she didn't. Eva nodded, got up and walked out, closing my bedroom door behind her. I buried my head in my pillow, flooded with so much emotion and so much anger, and I let the tears that I'd been holding in flow. The tears for my mother and my sisters, the tears for myself, and much to my dismay, tears for my father. I forced myself to recollect, telling myself that I needed to remember. A therapist my Mimi brought me to once said that remembrance, although however painful it may be, is good. Remembrance is power. I told her to go fuck herself & refused to ever see her again but her words continuously echoed through my head.

**
"Who the fuck do you think you are, Maria? You think you have any say on what concerns MY children?" The big scary man roared. I was in my room, laying between my two sisters, one older, one younger, listening to the bangs in the living room less than 10 feet from where we were currently. Only a door and a wall separated us from the lividity coming off of the man in waves. I felt my eldest sister Sienna move closer to me & Desiree, almost protectively as we heard the sound of a hand connecting to skin. Mama whimpered and we heard her soft voice.
"Lucas, there's no need for this. Please. The girls are sleeping, what if they wake? They don't need to see-" it wasn't a smack this time, it was a punch. I heard Mama crumple to the floor.
"Fuck them. And fuck you. They're bound to grow up to be whores just like you anyways. Maybe if they see their skank mother being disciplined, it'll resonate with them when they get disciplined." He spat, venom coating every single word. I heard footsteps going past our room, and then stopping. I held my breath, cold terror spreading through my body. He was coming in. I gripped Sienna's hand, and she squeezed. We lay there not making a sound. Finally, the footsteps continued and we heard the screen door in the back of the house slam. And it was silent except for my mother's soft sobbing, which lasted the majority of the night.