Hopeless

It was a peaceful Monday night, the city slowly drifting to sleep with the Moon after the busy rush of the day. You were comfortably cuddling with your best friend and roommate, both of you resting your eyes. You weren’t quite ready for sleep.
That’s a lie.
You would love to sleep but you were too cozy in Tom’s arms to go to your room.
A partial lie.
You were physically cozy, but it was impossible to relax because of the secret you’ve been keeping from your best friend. You had fallen hopelessly in love with him- Tom, your best friend for life.
A truth.
You so desperately wanted to tell him, but the fear of risking your friendship held you back. What if he decides to cut you out completely after your confession? Never mind returning any feelings, you just wanted the weight off your chest. Furthermore, it wasn’t just about your classified feelings for him- it was also about keeping a secret from him. You never kept anything from him. He knew that you accidently broke your mother’s favourite plate last Thanksgiving, he knew you actually hated the present your brother got you for Christmas, and he knew all about your past relationships (better than you, probably). Despite everything he knew, it seemed that he was completely oblivious of your love for him. Would you really be okay if he didn’t love you back? So deep in thought, you didn’t realize that you were fiddling with the strings of his sweatpants.
Tom couldn’t help the ends of his lips curving upward at your thoughtless action. An innocent habit that you enjoyed since Tom bought his first pair of sweatpants. His eyes followed your delicate fingers, up your arms and finally onto the top of your head. Leaning in and planting a kiss on your head, Tom closed his eyes. Every week day, Tom pushed through work, telling himself you’d reward him with a cuddle at the end of the day. He never told you what the nightly cuddles meant to him, simply because he thought you’d make fun out of him for it. He didn’t see a need to admit that he absolutely treasured these cuddles with you- that it gave him hope for another good day. When you cleared your throat, Tom reluctantly lifted his cheek that was resting on your head.
“Tom?” You voiced nervously. His name seemed to echo too loudly in the silent room. Instead of a reply, Tom rubbed your arm soothingly. You glanced up at his face quickly, only seeing a content smile and his eyelashes dusting his cheeks as he looked down at you. “Promise you won’t get mad or yell at me?” Hopeless, you decided that you were screwed either way; don’t tell him and suffer until you can’t hold it, or tell him and face whatever he has to say.
“Of course, love,” Tom let you go and sat up after picking up on your nervousness. He sent you an encouraging expression, his eyes showing the determination to meet your request.
“I- I don’t expect anything back from you and…” You began, then looked away. You wanted to look anywhere else but at him. It was nerve wracking and stressful. “I don’t want anything to change between us, but I really, really like you, Tom.” You squeezed your eyes tight and let out a sigh, relieved that you got that pressure off your chest. Your relief was quickly replaced, however, as Tom answered.
“(Y/N), I don’t think,” Tom was looking down at his hands so you couldn’t read his face. “I can promise that I can keep doing this.” Tom looked up at you, his eyes hard.
Your heart plummeted. You felt every single one of the butterflies in your stomach freeze and drop. You shouldn’t have hoped for anything. Your mind fell blank but you knew you couldn’t stay here. Not in front of him. So you stood up, eyebrows furrowed. Startled, Tom followed behind you towards the front door. You heard someone calling your name faintly - far away, but not far enough. The shattered pieces of your heart still trembled at the voice. You felt some resistance pulling your right arm back, but you stubbornly tugged your arm free. Hope won’t trap you any longer. You only had one place in mind: your girlfriend’s house.
Tom watched your face turn almost expressionless. Your eyebrows furrowed and he instantly regret his words. He didn’t mean what he said- he didn’t choose his words properly. Hurriedly, Tom swiped at you, trying to turn you around.
“(Y/N),” He never realized how small you looked from the back; you were always facing him, beaming that bright, beautiful smile- never turning your back on him. “(Y/N)!” Tom suddenly felt cold and managed to grab your wrist. He failed to succeed in grabbing your attention one last time as you jerked your hand from him, sending chills down his whole body. Tom stumbled down the ledge, the overwhelming cold closing in on him as he watched you open the door. You didn’t even glance at him as a single tear rolled down your cheek. Tom was mesmerized; the yellow glow streaming in from the street light reflected off your tear and flashed like the Sun. However, you were soon gone - the sunshine abruptly diminished as if it was never here. As if Tom had never seen the Sun, the warmth. The bleak room now seemed too big and the dread swarmed Tom. Unable to support himself, Tom fell to his knees hopelessly. His head drooping, he hugged himself to protect himself from the unfamiliar frigid air. As he closed in on himself, Tom realized he wasn’t shivering because his flat has chilled, but because you weren’t at home with him. The image of your heartbroken face haunted Tom. Would you come back?
Tom was hopeless.