𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬 (𝐶ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑐𝑎) ✓

January 13, 2019

Dear Isabella,

I fucking hate love.

I hate how it sits in front of you, beautiful as a rose. But, it turns out that when you try to touch the flower, it falls apart in your bare hands and becomes ugly petals that are on the verge of death.

That's what love really is.

Well, at least to me.

Today I screwed up, again. I made the stupid decision of telling Cheryl about how I really felt. We were alone in an empty classroom doing tutoring, and I managed to spit it all out.

I also got a little too emotional while telling her, and I ended up kissing her. 

It was the greatest feeling of my life.

Her soft lips against mine almost made me cry, and there was a sensation in my heart that I can't even begin to describe. The kiss didn't last very long though, because she ended pulling away.

Cheryl freaked out and told me that she was beyond interested. She also called me names and ran out.

I had never felt so much pain in my entire life.

I still feel that pain. Right now. 

Unrequited love sucks. No, love sucks. I hate it, I hate her, I hate everything.

No one cares about me. My own damn parents won't even look at me, Betty won't talk to me, Cheryl is straight for fucks sake, and the only person I can talk to about anything anymore is a goddamn book (I'm sorry I've been swearing so much, I'm just really angry right now). 

What did I ever do wrong? Do they not love nor care about me because of my dumb actions? My mad social skills? Or because of my sexuality?

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.

Do you think I'm taking this too seriously? My anxiety and depression can get pretty intense, so is it making me overthink everything? Am I mentally not there and am on the verge of insanity? 

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. 

But I can't keep living like this. I can't keep watching the people I love leave me. I need a way out.

Actually...I just thought of something.

Maybe things would be better if I weren't around...or if I just left. I wouldn't be a burden to anyone, I don't have to keep screwing up, and I can give everyone a simple life without me in it. 

Yeah, that would be perfect.

I can travel up north and stay in Greendale. I'm definitely going to figure things out for school, and I've been saving up a bunch of money for a car that I can use for food and a place stay.

It's not like anyone is going to care that I left. Not at this rate, anyway.

I think it's best that I don't take you with me. It's not that I don't want you too, but I just want to forget. Forget about everything I've been through these past few months, forget about all the people that hurt me, and forget about Riverdale.

I'm writing this all down with tears falling down my cheeks, and some may even call me a coward. But at this point, I have nothing else to do. 

I was born to be alone.

Anyway, I need to start packing if I want to sneak out properly; but before I go I'll say a few meaningful words.

I know you're nothing but a book, but you've meant so much to me these past few months, and I wouldn't have made it out alive without you. Thank you. That's really all I can say, thank you.

I'm going to hide you somewhere in my room, and maybe someday a lucky person will find you. Then they can read all my inside thoughts and why I ran away. But that probably won't happen for another year or two, it'll probably happen when I'm long gone.

Thank you.

Thank you and goodbye, Isabella.