For Better or Worse

Conceal, Confess, Repeat

I've lied to him again.  Again.  Could be a different form whenever it happened- 

Did something he'd not approve of so just haven't told him about it-  what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right?

Or, I know if I'd told him about it, he wouldn't have allowed it and then there would be bigger trouble...  with him or the agency.

Or, I didn't know I was deceiving him.

Or, I didn't know what I did would be used against him.

Or-

Or-

Or-

Maddening!!!!

He makes it very difficult to be completely forthcoming & truthful.  Honesty is something he wants... expects, nay, DEMANDS from everyone- but he makes it almost impossible to live up to!

Pigheaded Caveman he is sometimes. Overbearing and controlling.  Everything in absolutes.

This is the end-all-be-all now though.  He wants to spend his life with me-  A formal proposal, full of meaning and sentiment.  Moonstone ring- I'm a better man because of you-  Uff!!   It's perfect!  And I get to ruin it.  Spoil this beautiful memory.  

I mean-  I can't let him do this without knowing all right?!  It's going to come out eventually.  Some would say wait.  Wait until after- let yourselves have this moment, untainted.  Tell all after.  After what?!?  After the proposal?  After the wedding?  After the Honeymoon?  There is never a good time.

The truth about his photography license may not be so pressing at this point-  I would have thought that if Emre was going to drop that bomb, he'd have done it by now.  And I do lean toward the feeling that Can would actually forgive me that one pretty quickly, after all we've been through.   He may still have that initial sting, but I think he has some perspective now that would help him forgive me that particular sin.

When I made the business deal with Fabri Bey to become partner and save the agency from bankruptcy... that one was harder... I think because our split was still so fresh.  But that one was not really a secret...  yes, I made the offer without Can's knowledge, but it was not kept from him. He didn't have to sign the agreement with Fabri, but he did, knowing it was the right thing to do for the company at the time.

But this one-  my scent to Fabri -  This is a whole different level.  Do I regret it?  No!  It had to be done- not just for him, but for the company!  Uff!  I just wish I had just told him right after the deal was done.  The longer it festers, the worse it gets!  Something always stops me from telling him-  So many times, it is he, himself who stops me!

Just like now - I was going to tell him and he assumes he knows what I want to discuss - his witch of a mother-  Ah!  Then he goes and proposes!  Gah-  I feel I need to ease into this, but I'm afraid some crazy thing will happen to interrupt the process or distract him with something else!  

"Sanem?  You look as if you're worlds away?  Should I be worried?  You don't want to marry me?" 

I burst into tears.  Not happy, joyful tears that should be falling down my cheeks.  I can see he is really back-pedaling now.   "I thought you wanted this too, I-"

I stop him-  "No- Can-  I want it.  More than anything in this universe- You really have no idea."  He looks only slightly relieved, but as always, he offers comfort & reassurance-  just like he always promises before he knows the ugly truth.  "Hey, it's ok-  whatever it is, we'll get through it together."  That was my breaking point-