it'll be over soon

1

every day is the same. sometimes things change, but it's mostly the same.

hang out with the same people.

eat the same shit.

do the same thing.

everything is so repetitive, so cliche, so boring. life is worth fighting for right? the point is to try new things. do new things. right? so why the fuck is everything so repetitive? how am I supposed to try new things if I can barely leave my fucking house? how the fuck do ii do anything nowadays? all I do is wake up, and repeat everything. I'm so fucking sick of it. being depressed truly does suck. 

eventually, the meds stop working. the sleep is gone. along with the appetite. the only form of release is sex, drugs, or alcohol. of course, the only things that help are so toxic. speaking of which.

I look over to Phoebe, who was ripping the bong. we were sitting around Jessie's living room, in a circle. jessie, Dylan, Phoebe, aspen, CJ, Jacob, Bella, Eric, and probably more, I'm way too high to take note of anything. I look over to Jessie, watching him hit the bong. I had really bad tunnel vision as I blinked it would go away but come right back. everything I looked at seemed so interesting I forgot to blink. maybe that's why my vision went black. i watched as he took more and more, before passing it to me. i looked down at it and smirked. i know i shouldn't take another hit but how could i resist. i lit up the bowl and then started. i exhaled all the smoke and closed my eyes, wobbling around. 

"Okay, okay... time to stop Dez," Phoebe told me, also stoned off her ass, before grabbing the bong from my grip. 

"hah, okay, no prob," I say before sitting back, looking around. this is the first time I've ever been inside Jessie's house. and it's quite relaxing when you're not high of course. 

i zone out for maybe 30 minutes, then look up to see ursen. me and him have been friends since the beginning of high school. and i know that doesn't seem like a long time, but we've grown so close in just 3 years. he sat beside me, i think he was the only sober one here. i look at him and smile as best i could without breaking into laughter. 

"Dez. you said you'd stop. your mom will find out." he calmly explains. 

"I'll be okay buddy boy." wow. i talk like a dip shit when I'm high.

"just. stay with me so you don't do anything stupid okay?" he hugged me and i nod. 

as the time progressed, we finally were able to get ursen high. and it was easy. he's such a lightweight. and soon enough. we were playing truth or dare. right now it was Dylan's turn.

"okay. jessie. i dare you to get in a laundry basket and slide down the stairs." Dylan said and laughed, watching Jessie actually go through with it. 

jessie climbed to the top of the stairs and sat with the basket, getting inside. he looked down and called to Dylan, telling him to record this. soon after he came flying down the stairs, falling out the basket halfway down. he tumbled down the stairs and fell face first in the living room. i though he was hurt, but that seriously disappeared when he started laughing his ass off. then we all were.

now its jess's turn, "Dez. i dare you to chug this entire bottle of vodka" Jess says as he hands me a bottle. 

i look down at it and open the bottle, lifting it to my lips and chugging it, not letting it leave my lips until it was all gone. once it was gone i slam it to the floor and lift up my arms, smirking and laughing. everyone was in shock that i didn't throw up, considering i usually do when im drunk. 

the game went on for a bit longer until it was Phoebe dared ursen to do something we both have been avoiding for a while. 

"ursen. i dare you and Dez to go up to the guest room and fuck," she said with a wide smirk. usually, Phoebe is the mom of the group but not when shes fucked up. 

me and ursen look at each other, usually id turn this down but I'm way too high to care, same with him. so we go upstairs. as i was walking up i felt my nerves leave my body. it's not like anyone will remember. plus my body is moving 10 times faster then i am right now. so i cant stop this if i wanted to. 

as we make it to the room he closes and locks the door. at least he's smart. he quickly pinned me to the wall, leading to a heated make-out session. he pulls my shirt off and pushes me to the bed. sometimes i forget how dom he is. we usually do nothing but talk about it. but this was him actually proving his point. 

he crawled on top of me and started undressing. 

everything else is basically a blur. i woke up on the couch with a horrid headache. i grip my head and grown, closing my eyes again. phoebe came to my aid with a hangover drink and handed it to me, and one to ursen, and Jessie. i took the drink and sipped it. i look around, seeing several people passed out, and others watching tv. i sit up and then like a tsunami, all my emotions came back. i stared at the tv, letting my mind wander. 

i don't remember what happened but i remember the bad parts. like ...him... its been 2 months since you left me with my thoughts, alone with this fucking pain. me and you were so good together, it was true. we were true. you were my first, and i wanted you to be my last. but i guess its to good to be true. you completely hurt me. broke me. destroyed me. and i fucking miss you so much. 

i looked to see ursen waking up. he passed out after chugging that drink. he scratched his head and i noticed faint scratch marks on his back before he put his sweater and shirt back on. what the hell happened last night. i looked at the time to see its 3 pm. god damn its late. i stood up and stretched. looking for Phoebe. 

"hey, imma head out. it's late," i tell her.

"are you sure? you were pretty fucked last night." she looked at me.

"ill be okay," i say as i grab my keys, waving before heading out. 

my headache was really bad but the drink helped. i needed to run errors anyways. so i drove down to Walmart, parking and heading inside. i needed to pick up cat food for Cheyenne's cat. im living with her right now. shes my best friend even though im only 16 i needed to get out of my house. 

you see, my mom found out about how i smoked weed and how mentally upset i was. and she wasn't happy. we have gotten into a fight after fight after then. she found out i wasn't a virgin, and how i wasn't happy being there. i couldn't take it anymore so i moved. she isn't happy. but Cheyenne's family is more of a family than mine ever will be. so i pay rent and help around. 

i walked into Walmart and grabbed what i needed too, and as i was walking down the aisle,

i bumped into ...him...

"oh im sorry- uh..." i look up at the familiar figure.

"oh... hi dezy" he smiled softly at me as if he's been wanting to bump into me for a while. 

"hey..." i gulp down, trying to control my shaky nervous voice.

"how are you doing?" 

"fine." 

"what about with your mom?"

"fine"

it was quiet

"dezy. you can talk to me. you know that. im always there." he placed his hand on my shoulder.

i felt my body shutter softly, trying not to break into tears.

"i know... things are just..." my words broke up and stopped coming out. 

"listen i got to go, things are crazy and i don't have time to deal with all these emotions and i have a really bad headache and-" i was cut off from my rambling.

"calm down, ill leave you be. nice seeing you," he said, before walking away from me... seems familiar...

i don't know how much longer i can handle seeing him around. 

its breaking me