This is the real chapter 1 of this story.Im writing this after I reflected and cried my shit out.
Day 1: 02/02/2019
Dear my DJ,
Today, we broke up.
Well, this isn't the first time that I attempted to do this. I'm wishing right now alam mo ba yon? umaasa ako na sana kagaya ng dibang attempts. Attempt lang to. Hindi totoo. Na sana ginawa mo yung promise mo sakin noon na kahit anong hiling ko ng break up wag kang papayag. But then, this time, you've also decided that it's for our good.That this time, it's actually for real.
2 days before this day, I was pissed off.I forgot to tell you that my hormones we're on rage again. I had my period.And after that " phase "? you know what im saying? I know and felt that these hormones became worse. To the point that even your jokes became a trigger for our breakup. Ang funny ba? The jokes did not literally became the reason of it. I know it was a lot more than that. It felt like the falling domino of our relationship for almost 5 yrs?
And I know, a big part of its cause was me. Maybe you wont think it that way. But I think that way and felt that way. No. you aren't the reason for me thinking this way and feeling this way. And I want to give all the blame to my condition. To my overthinking skills. and the like.
During our relationship, now that im starting to realize it.. nasabi ko sa sarili ko, natatakot ako maging kagaya ni Merida, na sobrang obsessed, sobrang tanga sa pagibig, sobrang praning..Well that what Love made her. And come to think of it.. in the long run, im starting to be like her. All the " ano password mo? ", " Sabihin mo na kase " , lahat na lang ata ng makakausap mo na babae kkwestyunin ko ( kahit paulit-ulit kong sasabihin na di ko gagawin, I wont be jealous like duh ) ,
Kinikwestyun kita kase ang daming nagpplay sa isip ko kung ano g gagawin ko once na nahuli kitang nambabae, how will I react? alam mo yon? during my dull moments.. that is how i think. hanggang sa yung imagination ko naging assumptions na. hanggang sa nagseselos na ako. Nappraning na ako. Toxic? I know now.
at some point during our relationship, I know how much I love you.. so much na tipong di ko kayang wala ka. tas bigla kong na-caught off guard. na parang oops. teka baka maging kagaya NIYA ko. maybe that was the time na i started to limit my words? parang di na ko madaldal? and pati sayo na-aapply ko na yung " too tired to talk attitude ko ". Toxic? yes.
Don't worry, I'll heal myself. Please dont get tired.Please wait for me. Please dont be in love with someone else. Sana after all this. Tayo pa rin. Sana sasabihin mong " Sobrang hirap ng wala ka or or mas mahirap nung nawala ka or or it was worth all the wait pero I love you still " Kase natatakot akong sabihin mong, " Kaya ko palang wala ka " or or " May iba na ko "
p.s. i messaged you..di ka nagreply.. so i thought you also blocked me sa message/text. So i tried to call you. Haha ang funny di ba? isang ring lang ata. binaba ko na kase natakot akong pagbabaan mo. At the same time, somehow, umasa ako na kapag natatawagan hindi nakablock.
