Ruin Your Life {h.s.}

four

Harry

I was looking into her eyes, trying to find any reaction. But her stare was blank, there was nothing to catch, to realize what she was thinking. And I already knew that look of hers, it was her completely shutting down from everyone, including me. 

I felt terrible, yet I revealed one of my secrets, in hope to open her up a bit. 

"You're seeing him too?" she said after few more moments, and I didn't know how to react, what to tell her. That I was so overworked, that I started to feel anxious and sometimes I found myself in sleep paralyses? She would say I am just making it out. Just to get her attention. 

And I wasn't intending to offend her, not today, not in the future. 

"Yeah, and I am already a bit late, can we get a coffee together?" 

"I don't drink coffee." she murmured, but I remember how deep her love was for a cup of coffee, black one especially. 

"Tea then?" 

"Will you ever stop? I am not the person you used to know. I don't think you meeting me is a good idea." she was indeed shutting down. 

"I remember how good you were to me, when we were kids. I don't think that changed?" I said what I said, and it made her smile. The only, lonely smile after what felt like ages. 

"You think I am good?" her voice broke. 

"Give me a chance, Di. We can only drink water and stare out of a window, if that's going to suit you. I just miss my best friend." she nodded, and then got into her car and got away, without single word. So was that a yes, or was that a no? 

* * * 

Diana

My hands were shaking, I was most definitely holding hands with my depression again. But Harry made clear he still believed there was something good in me, and somehow, that was all that mattered to me. 

I don't know how, I don't know why. 

All men were dead to me, including him. But then again, he never tried to hurt me, he was always there as much as I was always there. And it wasn't his fault he had to go, he had to chase his dreams. But somehow it still sucked. 

The feeling of not being too important, and the feelings I used to have for him, that he probably never had for me. 

I was driving around the block of houses of where I live for about twenty minutes, somehow I didn't want come home, to be even more alone with myself, with my thoughts. I felt somewhat good after the therapy, but now, drowning in the emotions I had, all the over thinking I used to do over that man. I felt like a crap. Even worse maybe. 

I pulled over in front of my house, according to the lights, Amy was home. And I wasn't so sure I could handle the pressure from her side. The cheerful voice, worried look, the good intentions that were just annoying me. I should live alone. 

I entered the house, got off my jacket and put it on the hanger. I heard Amy talking to someone, but according to no answers, she was on the phone. I only waved at her, while passing the living room and tried to sneak into my room, without basically doing any human things. 

Amy was right behind me. 

"Harry called." 

"Good." 

"Said he met you?" I didn't look at her, I wasn't really interested in what was she saying. 

"Yeah, he did." I murmured, I thought that by now, she would understand that I have no intentions of keeping him close. For his own good. 

"He asked where are you going to be available for the water meeting, whatever that was." 

"Probably never. Listen Amy, I am really tired, I'm just going to go to bed, I ate at Mike's on way home." I lied. I rarely eat out. It just includes too many people, high risk of a waiter. I wasn't down to expose myself like this. To expose myself to a possible danger. Or even to look like I am down to any casual small talk. 

"Dian, he seems like he is worried, and he cares about you. I've met him so many times and he never acted weirdly, he treats other with so much respect. I mean, he wants to see you, you were the best friends, the role models for best friends. I think you could give him chance." 

"Amy I said no." I snapped back, I didn't really need her to remind me who he was to me and how precious those times were. Before all things went down and I changed into this empty shelf, a shit excuse of a human being. 

"Do as you wish. I just think you are wasting someone's interest on your shitty excuses of why you can' socialize." she said, and it was the first time she wasn't handling me in a nice way. 

"Excuse me?" 

"I am exhausted Di! I promised your parents to look after you, I move in with you partly, because I was scared that you would do something stupid, if you didn't know I can show up any time. You aren't making progress, I can't even say if you are seeing the doctor or not. You are not getting better, you are stick skinny, your skin is nearly grey, I noticed how your hair are falling out. Never wearing a short sleeved shirt. You push people who care, far far away from you. I am done here, Diana. I love you, I really do, you are on of the kindest people I know. But this dark cloud over you, it's pulling me down as well. You weren't the only person there. I know you had it worst, but I struggled as well. And I can't go back to that night every single day, when seeing you giving up on everyone and everything. I'm sorry. I can't." she turned around, trying to cover her tears. 

 My body froze, I wanted to hug her and say sorry, but my pride didn't let me. I felt like a complete asshole. And I felt trapped in my body.

"I made lasagna, in case you're hungry." she added while walking down the stairs. 

And I didn't stop her, I just sat on my bed and let out a long sigh. 

Maybe she was right and I should give him the chance, let someone else into my life and try to open to them. But it was scary, scary to trust a guy to not do anything wrong. To not end up like I did. 

* * * 

Harry 

It was past eleven in the evening, when my phone started ringing. I immediately picked up the phone, after seeing her name. 

"Diana, hi!" I said a little too excited than was intended. 

"Harry, hey.." she had the same monotone in her voice. 

"So... how are you doing? All good?" 

"Yeah, I'm managing, I guess." she cleared her throat and I knew she was nervous, it was a huge step from her side, to call me, to even take her time to think of me for sure. "Ehm, I was thinking, if you are down of course, or still interested or something.. To have the coffee, or tea, whatever you prefer." 

"Yes, of course. I'm always down." I smiled lightly at the though of her stuttering, trying to figure out what to say. 

"Good.. you have some free time tomorrow? It's okay if you don't." 

"I do have free time. Can I pick you up at 4 o'clock?" 

"Four is perfect." 

"Good.. we have a plan then." she let out a light chuckle. 

"I guess we do. Have a good night, Harry." she said before hanging up the phone. 

She agreed to meet me, which was something I didn't really count with. It was just an offer, that I accepted was going to be rejected. But she called and asked to meet me. Maybe Amy talked to her, made her go out. But I don't think I will figure that out, until we meet tomorrow. 

// 

I am so sorry for not updating for over two weeks, my MacBook has been stolen and I just got the iMac, so I can write properly. This episode might suck a bit, it was a struggle for me to get back on track and I procrastinated so hard today. I promise next ones will be better. 

Thank you for all your patience, 

Nik